


Changes

by TimeTraveller



Category: Scott & Bailey
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:58:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeTraveller/pseuds/TimeTraveller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Rachel was suspended after Sean punched Kevin, and she was kidnapped by Helen instead of Gill. After returning home after a holiday, she's changed enormously, but is she fighting her own demons?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes

An idea that’s been knocking about in my mind for a while - a week and half, somewhere along those lines. Same difference. I don’t own the rights to Scott & Bailey, but if I did I would be proud. 

Changes. 

Flamborough head was a beautiful place if you wanted to see the seaside. Photograph the birds, and see the nests they made for themselves and their young, and the Chalk tower, the oldest complete lighthouse in the country was a definite thing to see for tourists.   
For Rachel Bailey, Flamborough Head was a full stop on the way she’d lived her life.   
The young DC was sitting, alone, wrapped in a red shock blanket - why the hell they made them red she would never know, despite the color being her number one favorite, there were surely other, softer colors for people to be wrapped in so they’d be comfortable - in the doorway of an ambulance as police officers, some armed with guns swarmed around, but with Helen Bartlett dead there was no need of them anymore since Helen had taken her own life. Rachel appreciated their presence, though. She felt safer than she had a few hours ago when she’d been on the road, with a belt strapped around her neck, holding her in place as Helen drank herself sick on the way to Flamborough.   
Rachel sat quietly, ignoring everyone and everything as her mind reran through the whole thing in detail. It had started when Sean, her newly divorced husband, had stormed into the office, and punched Kevin because he’d slept with her. Gill Murray had hit the roof, but it only got worse because the CPS had arrived, and told the team in no uncertain terms that it had been Kevin who’d been passing information about sensitive cases off to the newspapers. Helen Bartlett’s case had been sensitive; her family, the Bevans, had been murderous nutcases who’d buried their victims at the bottom of their basement. So many details were leaked out, and Helen had been ostracised as a result. Looking at it like that, and at the way Helen had lived her entire life in hell before getting a proper, good life, with a lover who loved her for her, only to lose it all because of a decision by the CPS, then you could see why she’d wanted to commit suicide.  
People would spit on her as she walked down the street, she got fired from her job, her relationship with her lover Louise had ended when windows were smashed, shit was pushed through the letterbox....it was just too much. The fact Helen had been arrested and charged for failure to report what had gone on in her parents home didn’t make it easier. Rachel could understand that. The Bevan case began with the death of Eunice, Helen’s mother, who’d been battered to death with something heavy to the head. Her husband, a bedridden, so it was assumed, Joe, had told the police it was one of his children.   
The bad news was the police hadn’t been able to find any trace of any of the family, except Julie and Helen. The others seemed to have disappeared into thin air, and Julie had died. Rachel frowned as a picture of Helen during their first meeting popped into her mindseye; Helen had been so professional then, smart, sophisticated......On learning about what had happened to her mother, all that sophistication had seemed to leak out of Helen like air from a pricked balloon. Rachel remembered how Joe, the crafty bastard, had shown himself as being more or less fully mobile, able to have a fag in hospital, had later been revealed to be the murderer.   
Rachel looked down at her feet. It didn’t matter now, what mattered now was what she was going to do. She’d been suspended from work, she wouldn’t be surprised if her colleagues had tarred her with the same brush as Kevin, guilt by association, and her friendship with Janet had gone down the drain. The thought of Janet made her grimace. Rachel and Janet had been friends for a good few years, but now Rachel saw the friendship differently.   
She’d used Janet, shamelessly, thoughtlessly.......She’d involved her in the mess with the PNCing of Nick Savage, revealed she’d told the same man who’d been a barrister things she shouldn’t have, slept in her home when life got tough. Worse, she’d done it when her marriage to Sean was breaking down, and her daughter Taisie had caught her sleeping with Kevin. No wonder Janet had kicked her out, called her disgusting, and said she didn’t give a monkeys anymore about what happened to her. Though it upset her Rachel couldn’t blame Janet for saying that; Janet was very protective of her family, and Rachel had crossed the line.  
Did this fiasco make any difference? Rachel decided there and then, swore to god that she would never rely on anybody else ever again. It was time she woke up and changed before something came to destroy her once again. Her inability to stop drinking had already seen her career being put on the edge of an abyss more than once, it had gotten her accused of an assault and battery, and later murder, her brother was now in prison, and her sister wasn’t speaking to her for what had happened with Sean. Maybe it would be better if DC Rachel Bailey only went to work, and went home or go to the cinema when she had time off. Alison and Janet had always gone on about her drinking habits, that it would get her into serious trouble, and they’d been right, and she’d just learnt a lesson thanks to Helen. Besides the memory of how Helen Bartlett being in the back of her own car, looking like a shadow of her former self, drinking herself to death was another reason for Rachel to stop.   
Rachel was so caught up in her musings she didn’t notice someone coming over and sitting down besides her, so much so she jumped like a frightened hare when the person spoke.  
“ How are you doing?”   
Rachel looked up into the eyes of DS Andy Roper. She wasn’t sure if she should be happy he was here, but she was pleased someone who knew her was close by, even if Andy didn’t like her. She wasn’t sure, and frankly she didn’t care if Andy was only speaking to her out of courtesy rather than genuine care. She needed to put her thoughts to someone, and Andy was better than no one.   
She sighed. “ I don’t know,” she replied honestly to his question. The memory of how Helen had sliced into her own wrists with the same knife she’d threatened Rachel with came back to haunt her, how she’d tried to stem the flow, but knowing it was no good. Rachel knew deep down Helen just wanted to die, to be free from the hell of her life. What had she to live for, a police sentence, no Louise?   
“ You know,” she said to the listening DS, “ I have been a police officer for the majority of my working life. I have stood by in uniform as DC’s and DS’s questioned suspects, I have seen rape victims cry their eyes out, I have seen crime scenes where the victim was slashed or burnt to death.....But I have never seen someone actually die before. Never. Seeing the life just...leave Helen like that....,” she shook her head as she was lost in the memory of seeing Helen die. Rachel understood Helen’s rationale, she had nothing else to live for. Suicide was better than living a life where she was hated, abandoned, and scorned. She knew she shouldn’t think this, but Rachel knew how she felt, but she knew she had no one else to blame but herself in this case.   
Andy sat and watched as the woman he knew kept speaking as though her voice was so far away, and it worried him. He might not like Rachel that much, but it frightened and concerned him with how she was speaking. He knew she wasn’t in shock, so what was it?   
“ This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Helen try and kill herself,” she admitted though Andy wasn’t sure if Rachel was telling him anything he already knew for the sake of talking. “ The last time was when the investigation was going on. Do you know about that?” she asked Andy.   
Andy nodded. He’d followed the case, and he’d been aware that his old syndicate had worked on it with DSI Dodson as SIO. “ I do,” he replied.   
“ Then you know what the newspapers were coming out with,” Rachel didn’t say anything more about that. She looked away and buried her head between her knees. Okay, now Andy was becoming worried for Rachel’s wellbeing.   
“ How did she find you?” Andy asked; he couldn’t see himself getting a straight answer about Rachel’s present mentality. She wasn’t the type to admit her weaknesses. Besides he wanted answers for other questions.   
A muffled sigh signaled Rachel had been working that one out herself. “ I think she was following me, that’s the only thing that makes sense,” she said, “ I don’t think she picked me out at random, by accident. She must’ve found out where I lived from the phonebook or something, and started following me. God knows why. Either way its irrelevant now seeing as she’s dead. I stopped over at a supermarket to get some food for tonight. Makes sense, she jumped me from behind after I left and went to the nearby traffic lights.  
“ I was only gone for a minute or so as I pushed the trolley away, but it was enough time for her to sneak into the car and crouch down so I wouldn’t see her as I came back.”   
Andy didn’t say a word about that, and Rachel wasn’t sure if she cared or not he was quiet. She was just pleased someone, even if it was Andy Roper, had come over to keep her company for the time being before she left. She only hoped he didn’t ask about what she was doing before she’d been jumped and why she hadn’t been at the office, and she definitely hoped he didn’t ask about a certain blond DC of their mutual acquaintance.   
Fortunately Andy wasn’t thinking about Janet, yet, and was waiting to ask her when Rachel was in a better mood to talk, or he realised there would be nothing between them. Ever, and just wanted to put her out of his mind. If so Rachel understood, she didn’t want to think about Janet right now.   
Finally a question Rachel had been dying to ask burst forth, “ How long before I can go home?”  
Andy looked at her surprised. “ Actually we’ve been wondering why you were still here. Helen’s body was taken half an hour ago.”  
“ I wasn’t looking,” Rachel replied with a shrug and a sigh. To her, it didn’t make a difference if Helen’s body was taken away, or thrown off the cliff.  
“ Don’t blame you,” Andy replied back. “ But no, it seems evident Helen committed suicide, and you tried to stem the blood flow.”  
Rachel couldn’t hear that with a shudder that memory provoked. When she looked up and saw Andy’s concerned face, she explained, “ I knew she wanted to die, but I couldn’t let her. Who knows, she might have found a better reason to stay alive than Louise, her lover, and just make something from herself. She might’ve gone on to write a book about her experiences, but she chose to die instead.”  
The two police officers fell silent in mutual companionship even if they didn’t like each other personally, lost in their own thoughts. Finally Rachel decided she would go now.   
“ I’d better be going, thanks,” she said to Andy who got up as well, and took the blanket from Rachel. “ Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” he asked, his earlier concerns about Rachel’s mental wellbeing coming back.   
Rachel sighed. Her earlier considerations about her future were coming back. She knew she would get over seeing another woman kill herself, but she knew it would take time. One thing for sure, Rachel wasn’t considering not going to a therapist not when she’d decided to put her career first above her mess of a personal life.   
But going back to the office at the moment was far from what she wanted to do; she needed to get away from Manchester for a bit. She was so startled by that thought, but she knew it made sense. Going home didn’t hold any attraction for her at the moment, she didn’t want to spend any time in her favorite places in the city, she just wanted to get away.   
“ I don’t know,” she said eventually knowing Andy would see through the lie if she’d given the already used and unoriginal answer of she would be okay. “ One thing’s for sure, I’m not going back to work just yet.” She wasn’t sure if Andy was aware or not she was suspended. “ I dunno, I think I’l get away from Manchester for a bit. Anyway, thanks.” She smiled and went back to her car. As she approached the car she was a bit worried about getting into the same driver’s seat her bum had been welded to for a few hours, with a belt tied to her neck.   
With some trepidation she got into the car, and drove away, leaving Flamborough head behind. She never looked back. 

 

Her phone started ringing half an hour since she gotten back on the road. Rachel jumped again before she swore at herself with a string of unladylike curses, wondering why she was behaving like a startled rabbit, it had happened twice. It probably wasn’t a shock after the nightmare she’d been through. She pulled over from the road so she could take the call without fear of an accident. She checked the caller ID and saw it wasn’t Janet or even Alison.   
It was Gill Murray. Rachel frowned, wondering what she wanted, but she pressed the talk button anyway. “ Hello?”   
“ Rachel. How are you doing? Andy called us from Flamborough head to say you’d left.”   
Biting her lip, Rachel confirmed the last bit though she was closed off about how she felt. She was thankful Helen hadn’t tried to kill her, but she didn’t know how she’d get over seeing the woman die. “ Yeah, I’m coming back, but it’s going to take me time to get home.”   
Gill was silent for a moment with her, but Rachel could hear voices on the other end, and she heard Gill’s voice whispering, though she was talking normally with the others, answering their questions. Familiar voices. She could hear the familiar tones of Lee, Pete, and Rob asking questions, and there was the familiar voice of Janet on the other end, asking how she was before Gill managed to hush them.   
“ The others want to know how you’re doing, and so do I,” Rachel blinked back tears at the concern Gill Murray was showing. There were two sides to Gill’s personality; on the one hand she was kind and almost mothering, but when you pissed her off you had a monster on your hands. Hence the nickname she’d given her within seconds of meeting her, when Rachel had still been in the sex crimes unit, and Gill had been investigating. Rachel had given her the name Godzilla.   
Rachel sighed, and made sure the sound was loud enough for the listeners - she wasn’t stupid enough to believe no one else was listening in - and spoke into the phone. “ I’ve just seen someone die for the first time in my life, you’d think having worked in CID, the sex crimes unit, and MIT I would be used to seeing dead people, but seeing it happen and not being able to stop it....” her breath stilled, and tears dripped down her face.   
“ How long does my suspension last again?” Rachel changed the subject before anyone could ask her another fucking stupid question about her mental wellbeing, she’d just seen a woman die, she just wanted to shock them into silence. How did they think she felt? Why did people keep asking the same fucking question, how are you doing? Did they honestly expect a different answer? Rachel shrugged a second later once she’d processed the thought, knowing they did.   
“ Oh, another three weeks,” Gill replied, curiosity laced in her voice as she wondered where Rachel was going with this but also concern, “ but you can come back to work when you like. Oh, by the way, Sammy and Orla’s wedding do is tonight. You’re welcome to come.”  
Rachel said nothing for a second as she mulled over what Gill had just said. She wanted to leave Manchester without anyone getting in the way and urging her to stay. They might succeed, and then she would be back at square one. She needed to get away from home for a bit, get away to see way she could move on with her life. Gill and the others clearly wanted her to come back to work like nothing had happened, but Rachel couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go back to her life as a DC, and drink her way through life like nothing had or could happen. It was time she changed herself, something she should’ve done long ago. Starting now. Today, Rachel Bailey, today is the first day of the rest of your life, and god help you if you fuck it up yet again.  
She must’ve been silent for too long because she heard muttering on the other end, and finally Gill got worried. “ Are you still there Rachel?”  
Rachel took a breath, knowing she was about to hurt people again, but this time she knew what she was doing. “ Yeah, I’m still here. I’m not coming back to work just yet, and thanks for inviting me to the do, but I’m not coming. Give Sammy and Orla my love, and tell them I hope they’re happy together. I just need to get away, travel for a bit. I’m going home now to pack some things, and then I’m hopping onto a train. I’m leaving my phone behind so then people won’t ring me up at all hours to ask how I am because I don’t know how I feel.” Honesty, brutal honesty there. “ I just need to get away and I need to do this on my own.”  
Gill was silent. “ I understand,” her voice was tinged with sadness. Rachel was a little bit surprised by her boss’s empathy, but she was pleased Gill had the sense to not push her.   
“ Please,” Rachel begged, “ I just want to be alone.”  
Gill sighed, “ Okay,” but her tone told Rachel all she needed to know that she was far from pleased with how the conversation had gone, but Rachel put that out of her mind when she started the car up again, and drove on. 

 

To Rachel’s surprise, the traffic was fairly okay. She only got stuck the once, and only then for half an hour. Half an hour, a day, a minute, time meant nothing to Rachel at the moment. It gave her the perfect chance to think about her plan to leave Manchester. She wasn’t going to use a car, that much was certain. This car had been where Helen had killed herself, where she’d been held hostage in for hours on the road, alone and isolated from other people as the world went by. It felt strange driving in the car again after what Helen had done, but Rachel pushed that aside; she needed to get home.   
Leaving via train was the only option for her, she’d had enough of roads for the time being and she didn’t feel one hundred percent confident on them, it was taking all her self control not to burst out sobbing here and now since this was the car Helen had died in, but train travel was expensive but she could afford a few weeks away from home. She’d had no clear idea of where she would go, Liverpool and York were too close to Manchester for comfort. London? Yeah, big city, plenty of things for her to explore, and the best thing was she wouldn’t be needed to arrest or investigate murders or major incidents. But London.....she’d seen pictures of the city from police files, and knew Manchester and London were similar in many ways, so staying there for long periods wasn’t on.   
She might have to go further on. Unbidden a memory of a younger version of herself briefing Gill in the office with Chris Lanthum about Geoff Hastings movements over the years. She didn’t want anything to do with either Bexhill or Eastbourne, but Brighton was nearby. She could go there, and spend some quality time by the sea and see the sights without worrying about a call from work.   
Both destinations fixed in her mind, Rachel wondered what she would do when she got there. She planned to see the sights, but what else would she do? If she wanted to change her ways how would she do it? When she’d been promoted from uniform to CID on her path to being a DCI or a DSI, Rachel had changed her image to wearing smarter clothes, that sort of thing. After seeing the way Helen had killed herself and how her life had shattered because of her stupidity, Rachel wasn’t sure if she could wear her treasured tan brown coat again. She could dress in darker tones, of course, some police officers did, but clothes and appearance were the outside of her personality; she had her personal life to sort out. It was a disaster from hell, but what could she do? She could avoid wine bars, have a small private stash of wine at home and drink in the safety of her flat where she wouldn’t be accused of murder like the time when Dom had gone out to kill Nick because she’d talked about the bastard when drunk and her simple brother had taken it too literally.   
Rachel didn’t have that many choices for her free time besides late night TV and cereal for dinner; MIT late night meetings went on for hours, so when you left you were too tired to do anything more than go home and sleep. But what about the days she could go home freely for some time to herself? There weren’t many options for her on that side, gyms tended to close late, but she wanted to avoid was going out late. It was going out all the time which had resulted in Dom being sent down for murder, for her damaged hand from punching a bloody lamppost, and for her infidelity before Kevin which had led to her divorce from Sean. Rachel sighed as came to a conclusion she just wasn’t the marriage type, the disaster with Sean was proof of it. It wouldn’t work again, and she wasn’t going to hurt some other bloke. Sean had been a nice guy, and she’d hurt him. Then it occurred to her; what about hobbies like arts and crafts? She’d been more or less good at painting in school, but only just. She didn’t have to be perfect in order to make up a piece of art, she just needed the time and energy to put in, that was all. The option of a course to learn a new craft was out of the question as it clashed with her work as a police officer.   
And what about other things? Rachel couldn’t believe what seeing a suicide was doing to her mind, now she was open to options that had never been there before. She could read at home, watch DVDs she’d never bothered to watch before, but she could also become more intellectual about her hobbies, like writing stories and poems. And what about music? When was the last time Rachel had listened to classical instead of rock music? She must’ve heard a piece from Mozart, Puccini, or Beethoven in the past.   
Rachel was concentrating on the road and thinking about her future so much, she jumped for the third time when she heard a sound.   
Her phone was ringing again. Rachel picked it up with a frown, keeping an eye out on the road before casting a glance at the phone to see the caller ID, thinking it might be someone from work. Rachel wasn’t sure and frankly didn’t really care if Gill had bothered to tell the rest of the office her desire to just be left alone, nor was she sure the others had heard. There’d been a lot of noise that time round what with the voices of the others on Gill’s end and the traffic her end. Part of her expected it to be Janet. Despite being a more or less by the book cop, Janet had a mind of her own, and she wouldn’t hesitate to go around Gill, her friend as well as her boss, if the need and situation called for it.   
It surprised Rachel that the call from the ringing phone didn’t have Janet’s ID, but her sister Alison. Rachel stared at the phone display for a good moment, wondering if she actually wanted to speak to Alison. Their relationship was wracked by fights, bickering, but that was what sisters did, but the breakdown of her marriage to Sean had pissed Alison off in ways Rachel had never seen before, even as a kid.   
Unlike Janet, Alison had grown up with Rachel, had raised her when their mother fucked off, so she had needed to become proficient with raising her family, even their drunk father. Janet only knew Rachel as a friend, not any more, but Alison knew Rachel well enough to know how to use words to hurt her, and she’d unleashed that arsenal on her, and she hadn’t spoken a word or sent a biting text to Rachel in over a fortnight.   
Rachel considered not answering the phone, but if she did that then Alison would simply ring her again, and again and again if Rachel didn’t answer her. Alison wasn’t the only one who knew how the other’s mind worked.   
With a sigh of resignation Rachel answered the phone. She barely had said hello before Alison’s loud voice gushed down the phone line, sounding all teary and all that. Rachel sighed again, knowing Alison wouldn’t hear it with all the noise spilling out of her mouth.   
“ Rachel! I heard about what happened. Are you okay? Did she hurt you? Are you sure you’re alright? Do you want to come round my place and let me fix you something up? Oh, Holly would be excited to see you-”  
Rachel had once joked to a friend speaking to her sister was like being interrogated by the CIA. She wasn’t that far wrong, Alison knew how to poke and prod, but Rachel knew the best way around it was to simply not bother to reply or answer her calls back. She was pleased at the moment her sister seemed to have pushed Sean out of the limelight, and she was also pleased deep down she wasn’t speaking to Janet. After everything she had no idea how her former friend viewed her.   
“ Ali,” she said, cutting Alison off which was possible when her sister finally ran out of breath - it never failed to amaze Rachel about how large Alison’s lung capacity appeared to be. “ Am I okay? I think so. I’m on my way home now. Did she hurt me? No, aside from the whack to my head and the belt tied to my neck-”  
“ Oh, god, Rach!”   
Rachel ignored her sister, “ I might come round for a quick visit before I leave-”  
As she’d expected, that statement got another round of questions from Alison. “ Leave? What do you mean? Where’re you going? Why?”   
Rachel sighed. “ I need to get away from Manchester for a bit,” she replied honestly, “ I’ve had enough of the place with everything that’s happened, and Helen was the final straw. As for where I’m heading for, I was thinking of London and Brighton.”  
Alison whistled. “ That’s a long way, but what’re you going to do when you got there?”   
Rachel was pleased her sister was so accepting of her choices and her decision to leave rather than trying to dissuade her. “ I was thinking of sight seeing. I was also thinking about how better to spend my freetime. I think I’ve had enough of the constant binges and late nights, and I just need to change before something happens that I can’t get away from.”  
“ You mean what happened with Sean?” Alison said, though there was no disgust in her voice this time.   
Rachel was silent.   
“ When are you going?” Alison changed the subject when she realised that Rachel wasn’t going to speak anymore about the topic. She wasn’t going to press her sister, especially after she could’ve died.   
“ I need to pack my bags and then I’m heading to the station,” Rachel replied. “ Do you mind if I come round your place and say goodbye for now?”  
Alison’s voice sounded shaky as she cried. “ Course you can, your me sister, why shouldn’t you come round?”   
Rachel laughed. “ Okay, I’ll see you then.”  
She was about to hang up when Alison asked a final question, one Rachel had been dreading. “ What about Janet? Does she know you plan to go?”   
Rachel sighed, wishing her sister hadn’t brought Janet up. “ Gill rang me earlier,” she decided to put the cards on the table, “ and I think she relayed what I wanted to do to the others. But she hasn’t called me or anything, and I don’t know where I stand with her at the moment. That fight, the things we both said to one another, you can’t get over all that in just a few moments.”  
Alison didn’t say a word. She knew her sister’s relationship with her best friend had suffered with what had happened with Sean and Kevin, but she didn’t know the finer details. Rachel had known since Alison herself had kids what would happen if her sister ever learnt what had happened in Janet’s house. Her sister would go ballistic; Rachel also hoped her sister didn’t meet Dorothy, the old bitch would love nothing more than for an opportunity to tell her sister the truth.   
“ Okay,” Alison said at last, though Rachel knew her sister was curious but knew from long experience she wouldn’t be getting anything from Rachel when she was closed off like this, “ it’s up to you. When will I see you?”  
Rachel surveyed the traffic. “ I dunno, I need to get off this motorway and that could take another few hours, and then I have to get indoors and get everything ready, and then I have to come to you. But I’m definitely coming.”   
“ I’ll see you then,” Alison replied. “ Bye. Love ya.”  
“ Love ya too,” Rachel smiled.   
When she finally put the phone down, she sighed and kept on driving and she couldn’t help but think about the conversation she’d had with her sister.   
Alison had a point about Janet, but what if their friendship had broken so far it wouldn’t matter to Janet about what Rachel did from this point onwards?   
Finally Rachel just shrugged her shoulders and settled down into her drive. She would worry about Janet and the others when she returned home from her brief holiday. If their friendship was forever broken, that Janet wanted nothing more to do with Rachel then she would be okay with that, it was her choice, and besides Rachel had betrayed Janet’s trust not the other way around. 

Fortunately for Rachel’s mind, the drive home was a relief because the traffic was okay, and there weren’t any major jams. No one had called her since Alison, which surprised her since she was expecting calls from nearly everyone she knew. It was a godsend Janet hadn’t rung her. But it also made her worried because she had hoped for there to be the occasional jam so then she would get back to her flat and find no one there. She wasn’t thick; she knew there would be someone waiting for her when she got home, and she wasn’t in the mood to talk, and she knew Murray had told the others about her decision to leave for the time being, and go off on her own for a bit, but some of them might get it into their minds to personally confront her. Then there was the invitation to the wedding do; Rachel had experienced too many weddings recently to really care, and besides that she barely knew Orla or Sammy to be considered a proper friend of the family. Besides she couldn’t help but feel it was a kind of emotional manipulation on her boss’s part to invite her, but she didn’t pay it a single thought. It made her sigh with exhaustion when she pulled into the driveway and finally stopped the car. After taking out her shopping and her things like nothing had happened, Rachel walked in tiredly, dropping her gym bag in her bedroom where she pulled everything out of the bag; t-shirt, shorts, and running shoes and the bottle of water. Well, she kept the water bottle inside, and she started pulling clothes from the wardrobe and putting it in the bag.   
She also fetched her purse and a book, it would be a long journey, and some food. Rachel considered taking a camera, but decided against it. She’d always valued her own memories in her mind compared to those who took pictures and basically shot pictures left right and centre to their hearts content. After packing her bag, making sure she had more than enough clothes, and packing her toothbrush and hairbrushes and comb, and her other essentials, Rachel made herself some tea. She had to fortify herself for the journey ahead, and before that she had to visit her sister. That was okay with her, strangely.   
After washing her mug, Rachel turned off the lights, and double locked her door and picked up her things before getting into her car for the drive to the station. She could always ring for a taxi or something to take her to the station, or she could simply walk. It was still daytime out there, so she was safe enough on the streets but she was taking the car to Alisons so then she could leave it there with her sister for safekeeping.   
Rachel was so set on her plans she didn’t notice a familiar car pull around the corner just as she drove off, and head for her flat. 

 

Alison smiled at her as she picked up the bag off the doorstep, and invited Rachel inside.   
“ Auntie Rach!” a small voice called, and Holly came slamming into her aunt.   
Rachel winced at the impact but she smiled down at the girl. “ Hello, Holly, how’re you doing?”   
The little girl nodded. She’d grown bigger since the last time Rachel had seen her, which seemed like years ago when it fact it had been months ago. Well, I’m going to fix that, Rachel thought to herself darkly. She’d spent so many years ignoring her own family and getting drunk instead. She wasn’t making that mistake again.   
Unfortunately what Holly said next cut into Rachel’s heart like a knife, and considering her experience with them this hurt more though Holly wouldn’t know why. “ Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in months.”  
When had Rachel last seen her niece? It felt like decades ago, decades and she’d visited not her own niece but children not even related to her. It wasn’t going to happen again. “ I don’t know,” Rachel replied honestly. “ But I’m not making that mistake again.” She wrapped her niece in a tight hug, making the promise to always be there for her niece once and for all. She’d not just taken her ex best friend for granted, but her own family as well, not to mention Sean.   
“ You’re packed then?” Alison said later, but it was statement of fact and not a question when everyone was sitting around the table.   
Rachel nodded. “ I’m only taking the bear necessaries. I’m leaving my phone at home-”  
“ Rachel!” Alison’s voice brought her kids heads swinging round, but she ignored them.   
“ I want to have some time to myself.” Rachel argued. Alison nodded reluctantly though she didn’t like it, seeing and knowing when her sister’s mind was made up, but she wasn’t going to give in without a fight. “ Do you have enough cash?”   
Rachel nodded. “ Yeah. God knows how expensive the train fares’ll be though, but I’ll be okay.”  
“ I can lend you money if you like.”  
“ No,” that was the last thing Rachel wanted. “ I’ve been leeching off other people for far too long. It’s time for me to live my own life. I’ll be okay.” She tried to add some humor into what she said next, but even she saw it was in bad taste. “ You know, me being the strong one and all that.”  
Alison wasn’t amused. “ I’m serious Rachel, suppose something happened to you and I never found out.”  
“ It won’t come to that. I’m taking my warrant card with me, it’s got my police details on it and everything. I’m not taking my phone to avoid you, Ali, but because I want some peace. I drove home wondering and worrying someone I truly didn’t want to speak to calling me. I just need to leave. I’m taking my laptop though, hopefully I can get free wi-fi where I’m going like in cafes or something.”   
Alison fell silent. “ Are you driving to the station?” She was referring to Rachel’s car.   
Rachel shuddered involuntarily at the mention of her car. “ Is it okay for me to leave it with yours? After today I just want to be shot of it.” It was so unfair for Helen to attack her the way she had, suspension or not, now she couldn’t look at her car without shuddering.   
Alison seemed to understand what her sister was going through, and was sharp enough not to question her about it for which Rachel was thankful for.   
“ What’re you going to do when you get to London and Brighton?” she asked quietly, thankful Tony knew enough about the situation to keep the kids occupied as she and her sister spoke.   
“ Like I said, sight seeing. I’m also thinking of finding things to do when I get off work during the night. Going out and getting drunk isn’t doing any favors for me, so I need to find something else to do.”  
“ You’re right, Rach, you do,” Alison replied, her voice hard with brutal honesty. “ I’m getting tired of hearing about you almost losing your career which you got through hard work, and because of your habits Dom is back in prison.”   
Rachel winced, but she didn’t refute what Alison said since it was the truth, and she was a police officer on suspension and she could value the truth rather than a lie. Somehow being suspended was no longer such a curse, but a blessing.   
After the round of farewells, Alison and the others escorted Rachel to the door. “ Are you sure you don’t want Tony to drop you off at the station?”  
“ It’ll be a quick trip,” Tony added.   
Rachel smiled, and decided to take them up on their offer. “ Oh, alright, you’ve twisted my arm enough. You don’t mind, Tony?”  
Tony smiled at his sister in law. Unlike Dom who he thought was a bone idle moron, he liked Rachel. “ I don’t, it’s nothing.”   
After another round of hugs, Tony drove Rachel to the train station. “ How much are you going change?” Alison had asked her own questions, now it was his turn.   
Rachel wasn’t surprised by the question; whilst her sister only asked the ones that mattered her husband asked the more deeper ones. “ I’m not going to drink out like I’ve done for the past few years. That way of relaxing has seen my brother arrested, and an ex boyfriend murdered, and my marriage to end.”And for a friendship to end.   
Tony grunted. Rachel already knew his thoughts about Dom, shared them to a degree; if she’d known what he would do living with her she would’ve just slipped him a tenner or something before sending him on his way. Tony had once told Rachel after Dom had been sent down the second time round that the world was a better place with him in prison, and he’d walked off before she could retaliate. But she’d come to realise he might have a point about Dom, and now she was dreading the day he came back out. Rachel didn’t hold out hope the little bastard wouldn’t come knocking on her door again; Tony wouldn’t let him anywhere near HIS home, so that left one option, Rachel’s. Anyone with common sense would see it was a bad idea, but whoever said Dom had any brain power?   
“ When you do, please come round from time to time,” Tony said, “ I know your job is busy. Mine is too, but I actually want to spend time with the people I love.”  
Rachel was a little bit angry that Tony said that, but she guessed he had a good point. When it came down it Rachel preferred getting pissed rather than spend time with her sister, and Holly, the little girl had been hurt when she’d asked her why she hadn’t come round.   
“ Rachel, what’s going to happen with your friend, Janet?”  
Rachel winced. “ I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “ I don’t know where I stand, but I’m not going to dwell on it until I get back.”  
“ Take my advice,” something in Tony’s voice made Rachel glance at him, “ don’t run away from your problems. I’ve done that, and I regretted it at the end.”   
Rachel studied her brother in law, wondering what could possibly make him look so sad, so serious. But she wasn’t going to ask him if it was personal, it had never occurred to her there might be other demons lurking in other people’s closets. 

 

The trip to London had been only three hours or so, shorter than Rachel had expected, but since she’d taken a train to Euston station she was pleased. She’d found a nice little premiere inn to stay for a couple of nights, and she would take the time to explore the city the next day.   
When Rachel went out on the town she checked out the various shops and museums. She travelled on the tube to check out places like the Natural history museum, Buckingham palace and the Science museum. After leaving the Inn, Rachel travelled from one part of the city to the other, stopping over at various places along the way. She went into various bookshops and art galleries; occasionally arranging for books to be sent to her flat in Manchester. She kept one or two of the books on her, and she kept on going.   
Finally the time came for her to change her image; she went into a hair salon, and spent a couple of hours getting her hair done. She opted to have her long, chocolate brown curls styled into a shorter haircut, and she made sure it was low maintenance so it would be easier for her to care for her hair. She also checked out new shoes, and bought a few new pairs, and she posted them to Manchester along with a dark red version of her beloved tan coat.   
As she sat in the cafe, drinking coffee, Rachel ran a hand through her now shorter hair, and she checked the postage on the tracked packages she’d had sent up to Manchester. Woe betide anything happening to them along the way, Rachel wanted her flat to be stacked with her new goods, and if one of them was not there.....  
She also checked her emails. There were several; a few from Janet, Gill, Pete, Rob, and finally from Alison. Rachel took a deep breath and only opened the ones that mattered, those from Alison. They basically said the same thing; wished she was okay and all that. Rachel replied to one of them, apologising for not contacting her sooner, but basically telling her where she was and what she’d seen and done, giving a blow by blow account of her time in London so far. One of her sister’s emails caught her eye, and she closed her eyes in pain as she read it. 

 

Two days later, back in Manchester, Gill Murray sighed as she slowly walked down the aisles of the supermarket, the same one Rachel had stopped over before Helen had kidnapped her. She felt like she was walking across sacred ground, walking through the aisles after what had happened with her DC. Time seemed to have become a drag since Rachel had gone off to god knows where, and the syndicate had suffered as a result. The latest case they had would be going faster if Rachel had been there to ask questions, and her epiphanies would’ve gone a long way to solving the puzzles that came with the cases. She smiled softly, as she remembered only a day ago, how she’d been in a meeting, and without thinking, asked Rachel a question before realising she wasn’t there. The looks on the faces of the team......Gill had never realised how much she and the team relied on Rachel until now, but her going off out of Manchester had been her own choice, and there was nothing Gill could’ve done about it. Rachel had taken advantage of her suspension, and who could blame her after Helen Bartlett had taken her hostage?   
Gill remembered the moment she’d decided to suspend Rachel; she’d been furious when Sean fucking McCartney had barged into the office, punched Kevin even if later the little bastard had deserved it for leaking police information, confidential information, to the newspapers, shouting that Kevin had been sleeping round with Rachel that she’d seen red. Of all the things Rachel had had to do, why did it have to be like her fucking husband, Dave Murray who’d shagged other women behind her back for years before getting the whore from Pendlebury knocked up? Surely she had more sense; she’d hoped Rachel would have been happy with Sean, so what the fuck had happened?   
It had been more disappointment that, once again, Rachel had let her personal life rule her life, and this time she would not take it, and this time it seemed Janet was in a hundred percent agreement with her. Gill wondered what the hell had happened between the usually chummy friends to make Janet take that stand, but either way Janet wasn’t saying a word.   
Gill bit her lip as she remembered having to cut some of her plans short the day Helen Bartlett had chosen to kidnap the unwary Rachel Bailey; apparently Rachel had only come to do some shopping, and then she was jumped at the traffic lights, but she’d kept her phone on her during the whole thing. Apparently Helen had been too wrapped up in her own problems, drinking herself to death, that she had forgotten the issue of Rachel having a phone on her. Rachel had used the phone to call the office with Helen in the car, just to alert them to her presence and the situation before switching the phone off completely so then Helen wouldn’t see it. Janet had been almost inconsolable at the time, but she had controlled herself.   
Gill hadn’t been the SIO on that one; her friend, Julie, had, and Gill was pleased by that development though at first she’d been resentful. Rachel was HER DC, her responsibility, but she’d gotten over it because she would’ve been a wreck. They’d hoped they could save and protect Rachel if they could get through to Helen, and they’d used Louise to try and help, but unfortunately Helen seemed to have rejected Louise in her life, and Rachel hadn’t said a word the whole time. Not one, no matter how many times she and Julie had tried to get Rachel to say something, she just wouldn’t speak. What had been going through her mind at the time? Had she realised the mistake it was in trying to reason with the woman?   
Helen’s mind had been made up, she’d cut herself in the back of Rachel’s car, and even when Rachel had managed to get free of her bonds it was too late, and all the DC could’ve done at the time to save Helen’s life was for nothing. By the time the ambulance arrived, it was too late for Helen, she’d bled to death with Rachel trying in vain to save her life by stemming the bleeding.   
Gill and the others had waited for hours for news before the call came in. Helen was dead, Rachel was alive. The call had come from Andy Roper of all people to say Rachel was on her way back, and she’d rung Rachel in her car.   
Rachel had sounded off, like she wasn’t in shock, but more not with it. That made sense, but it worried her at the same time with how detached Rachel had been on the phone, and she’d expected her to want nothing more than to come back to work, but instead had told her she wanted to get away from Manchester. Part of Gill had been surprised and yet the other hadn’t; Rachel had been through a horrifying ordeal, she had the right to want to go off and do what she wanted.   
She’d had the phone to her ear as the others had asked how she was, but it had hurt her to tell them Rachel just wanted to be left alone though no one could blame her, not after the nightmare she’d gone through. Janet had taken it especially hard. Gill had tried to invite Rachel for her own mental wellbeing to come to Sammy and Orla’s do, but Rachel hadn’t wanted to come. Gill wasn’t stupid, she knew full well that Janet had ignored Rachel’s wishes and gone round to her flat before she could leave, but she’d arrived too late, or too early, there was no way for them to tell. Janet hadn’t managed to get there because she’d wanted time with her kids, to get them ready for the do before heading out to find Rachel.   
She concentrating so hard on robotically picking out what she needed for the week she didn’t look where she was going until she bumped her trolley into someone else.   
“ Oh, I’m so sorry,” Gill said before noticing who it was.   
“ It’s okay, Gill,” Alison waved the apology aside when she saw who it was, and she moved her trolley back straight.   
“ How’ve you been?” Gill asked, hoping to lead the subject to where she wanted. She studied Alison’s face; she seemed happy enough, she mused before looking closely, and saw she really was okay. There were no signs of stress or worry on her face, not like Gill’s or Janet’s.   
Alison sighed. “ Not too bad. You want to talk about Rachel.”  
Gill blinked at the statement, surprised Alison had seen through her little plan. “ Yeah,” she admitted before looking around.   
“ There isn’t a cafe we can talk,” Alison said, once more demonstrating an uncanny ability to see into Gill’s mind.   
“ How do you do that?” Gill asked.   
“ What?” Alison frowned at the question.   
“ Seem to know what I’m about to say.”  
Alison smirked. “ Sorry, Bailey trade secret. Rachel’s not the only one with mind reading skills. Who do you think helped her hone them?”  
Gill chuckled before she sobered. “ Have you heard from her?”   
“ Yes, she replied to an email I sent her two days ago. She’s in London, seeing the sights,” Alison replied. “ Have you sent her anything?” she asked as the of them pushed their trolleys on through the shop.   
Gill sighed. “ Yeah, me and Janet, and the others....but she won’t reply.”  
Alison gave a mirthless chuckle. “ You’re wasting your time. Rachel won’t call back. Its not her style.”  
“ What do you mean?” Gill asked intently.   
Alison sighed. “ If you tell anyone about this, Rachel will kill me. Rachel, before she became a police officer, was very closed off outside her circle of friends. Whenever she was upset no one could get through to her, except maybe me. I’d thought she would be open with Janet, but with the argument they had......,” she shook her head, before she looked at Gill. “ Do you know what they argued about? Rachel wouldn’t tell me.”  
“ No, I don’t.” Gill replied, looking at the other woman quizzically. That had been something Gill had been trying to work out for some time. “ I knew Rachel wasn’t happy with Sean-”  
Alison snorted. “ Don’t mention him, please. I had a nasty meeting with him a day after Rachel had left. I hadn’t gone out of my way to find him, but he told me my sister was a slut, determined to follow in my mother’s footsteps. I almost decked him. He also let his mouth run, saying that Rachel hadn’t done anything to make the marriage work, but I think he has it the other way around. Even in a bad situation, Rach would always try to make the best of it.”  
“ Good thing you didn’t,” Gill replied, not truly surprised the hot headed man had tarred Alison with the same brush but angry as well. She frowned a little bit about what Sean had been raving about. “ What happened then?”   
Alison shrugged, “ His mother’s stopped seeing my mum, nothing bad there, anything that hurts that bitch gets my vote, and I haven’t seen him since. He told me Rachel was a useless bitch. Makes you wonder if their marriage was worth it. They seemed so into it when they’d been going out and that mess with Savage.”   
Gill nodded. That was why she had congratulated Rachel for the marriage after the wedding, saying she deserved some happiness for a change. “ Does she know, about what Sean said about her?”  
Alison nodded. “ Yeah. I made sure to put it in the email. I wouldn’t bother sending anymore emails to her for the time being, she won’t reply to them. She just wants to be alone, to get over what happened.”  
Gill sighed. What she really wanted for the chance to see Rachel, to speak to her, to try and help her get through with what had happened with Helen.   
“ You’re really bitter about your mother, aren’t you? I mean, I don’t want to pry, but-”  
“ You’re not,” Alison said softly, “ besides you’re more of a mother to my sister than she ever was and I thank heaven for that. You’re a role model to Rachel, you should meet my daughter. She loves Rachel to bits and Rachel’s promised to take more of a part in her life. I had a life, I had prospects, and then she flounced off, and forgot about us, regardless of what she told Rachel when they met in that pub, giving her shit about wishing she hadn’t  
“ I never went to college, university....all because of her,” the sadness in Alison’s eyes hurt Gill to look at. She was used to Alison being a kind, motherly woman, not someone who was in pain but she was. “ Do you blame me for being bitter?”  
Unbidden Gill thought of how Dave had buggered off with the whore he’d gotten up the duff, he’d torn the family apart. Sammy had an on off relationship with the knobhead, though Gill didn’t like it.   
No, she didn’t blame Alison and told her so. 

 

The thought of Rachel Bailey wasn’t far from another police officer’s mind.   
DSI Julie Dodson was presently in her living room going over the week on her weekend off, pleased for the chance to get some time to herself. After the week she’d had, the last thing she needed was to get out in her car.   
She was a little surprised by Rachel Bailey upping and leaving like that, but she supposed she needed a chance for some freedom. After what happened with Helen Bartlett, maybe it wasn’t a surprise she’d gone. She wanted to talk to Rachel but unfortunately she didn’t know the DC’s contact details barring her mobile phone.   
When she heard the doorbell she sighed in irritation. That better not be a frightened PC sent out to get her for something. If it was then there would be trouble.   
She was pleasantly surprised when she saw Gill Murray on her doorstep. Julie was about to go into their banter when Gill shook her head. “ Sorry, Julie, but I’m not in the mood.” Julie frowned and stepped to the side to let Gill pass, which she did gratefully.   
“ What is it?” Julie asked as her friend crashed on the couch. “ What’s happened?” she sat down on the couch as well.   
Gill sighed. “ I’ve just met Alison, Rachel’s sister. She was at the supermarket.”  
Gill regaled Julie with an account of what had happened and what the two women had said. “ Sean?” Julie asked with a frown of growing comprehension. “ Sean McCartney?”   
“ Yeah,” Gill was surprised Julie hadn’t known about Rachel’s engagement. “ Why?”  
“ He married a DC in my syndicate four years ago,” Julie sat back with a sigh as she related the story. “ She was very happy until the marriage became boring, and he finally started seeing another woman before divorcing my DC.”   
“ Jesus,” Gill whispered; wait until Janet heard this story. Maybe Rachel had caught her husband shagging someone, and decided to pay back the favor. It made sense, but Gill wasn’t sure. With DC Rachel Bailey you never knew what was what, but Gill was going to give her the benefit of the doubt.  
“ Could Rachel have seen something similar?”  
Julie shrugged. “ How should I know? But I know this, he’s been married quite a few times. After hearing all this it wouldn’t surprise me if the marriages ended the same way.”   
Gill frowned. “ Julie, Alison said that Sean had mouthed off about not doing anything to make the marriage work-”  
“ That’s not what my DC said when she was married to him,” Julie interrupted. “ She was crying in my office when she told me she’d worked hard to try and make her marriage work with him, but he did nothing. She was embarrassed she’d cried in my office, but I didn’t care. I was more worried about her. Seems to be his MO. I’ll give you the DC’s name, and you and Janet can get her story. I’ll tell her Sean’s struck again.”   
Gill thanked her, and she wondered how Janet would take this. 

 

Rachel left the theatre one night, her mind reeling with the realisation of so many lost opportunities for her to become a more broader police woman. To think she’d wasted so much of her time doing other things......Honestly, the actors and actresses in theatre...the amount of time it took for them to practice their lines, work through stage fright....It was certainly better than the big screen, somehow.   
The one thing that had made Rachel confused was the acts, the breaks......in the cinemas’ you got the whole movie. Going to the cinema, the theatre, or just generally sight seeing was better than getting pissed. Rachel had been tempted once or twice, but she had to remind herself this was not her home, no taxi in London would take her to Chadderton. When she got back to the Inn, she checked her bag. She was leaving for Brighton in the morning, and she wanted to be out of the place sharpish. 

 

The train fares were murder, Rachel wondered how anyone was expected to pay 23 quid on a single fare, but luckily she’d gotten a travelcard to get from Euston to Victoria, so the fare to Brighton was only 17 quid, but it was still expensive. But train travel was faster than road travel, especially if it was non stop to Brighton, and Rachel truly just wanted to avoid roads, besides she didn’t know the routes she would need to take even if she hired a car, which was the last thing she wanted to do.   
While she waited for the train to leave the station, Rachel opened her laptop to check any emails she’d received recently. To her surprise there weren’t any emails from Gill, but there were five from Janet and one from someone she hadn’t expected.   
Taisie.   
Rachel stared at the screen for a minute before she gathered her courage and opened the message, expecting hate mail. She loved Janet’s girls like they were her own daughters, and she hated herself for what had happened with Kevin, and hated herself for not thinking about the consequences. She dreaded to think if Taisie had started having nightmares about the whole thing. Idiot! She kicked herself again.   
To her surprise the email wasn’t hateful. By the end of it Rachel was in tears. 

Hi Rach,   
Mum said that you’d told everyone at work to not call you, that you just wanted to be alone after what Helen Bartlett did. That must’ve been scary; being kidnapped in your own car. Mum didn’t go into details, but she said Helen had died, that she’d killed herself, and you’d watched it happen.   
I’m sorry, Rach.   
I’m sorry I ruined your friendship with Mum, and I’m sorry I barged in on you when you were - with Kevin. I’m also sorry about what happened with Sean, Mum told me. I took her aside when she told us offhandedly you’d been suspended, and I told her it was my fault, that I’d barged in on you without you knowing, but I don’t think she listened to me. 

Why did you leave? Was it just to get away from mum and the others, or was it because you just wanted to sort yourself out? I hope you’re okay Rach, and so does Elise. I managed to get into mum’s laptop to get your email address, not what you think. I told her my computer was a bit slow, and asked if I could borrow yours, and I copied your address.   
I miss you, big sister. 

Love ya always,   
Taisie.   
PS. If you don’t want to see us anymore, or if you hate me for my nosiness, then I can live with that. I just want to let you know I love you. 

Rachel pushed the laptop down, but she didn’t shut it off as tears slide down her face, especially at the words ‘big sister,’ and she let out a choked sob that had the few people sitting nearby glance over at her worriedly, but she ignored them. Instead she simply opened the laptop and read the email from Taisie again. She hadn’t expected to hear from her; the only people she’d expected to try and get in touch with were the people she worked with at work, and maybe even Sean’s frankly hateful mother.   
Taisie was a surprise; out of everyone, she had as much right to be disgusted by Rachel and Rachel knew she deserved it. Before she knew what she was doing, her heart seemed to take over her body, and she was composing a reply. At the sound of her fingers tapping away, Rachel was shocked to find herself writing a return email to Taisie, but she kept on with it. When she was finished and satisfied, she edited a few bits here and there, and sent it off. She’d purposefully avoided saying anything about Janet in the email, and Today was a Wednesday, and it was still relatively early in the afternoon, so Taisie was still at school. Ignoring the other emails she’d received, Rachel shut down the laptop, putting it back in her bag, and took out a book to read. It was a true crimes book, and she thought it would be a good idea to finally learn some new things from crimes committed decades ago to help her as a detective. She had in her bag an Agatha Christie novel waiting to be read, a Miss Marple. Supposed to be really good. 

 

The first thing that Taisie Scott did the moment she got in was run upstairs, ignoring her grandmothers tut at her speed through the house, and get out of her school uniform so she could change into her more comfortable home clothes. When she was finished, she turned on her computer so then it would be on by the time she came back, and she went downstairs to grab a bite to eat, and some water.   
“ You’re in a hurry,” Dorothy commented.   
Taisie smiled. “ Yeah, I sent a friend an email yesterday, and I’m hoping she sent a reply.” She wasn’t lying, she was just bending the truth.   
Dorothy shook her head, part of her marveling and yet shaking her head at the modern technology known as the internet, and the concept of email. Back in her day, the only way to contact someone had been with a good old fashioned paper letter written in real ink, in an envelope, or a telephone call. Now kids had the option of sitting in front of a screen, not unlike a television, and simply tap out a message like morse code.   
The old woman was worried about her granddaughter; she’d been distant since Janet had done the right thing and kick Rachel out of the house. At last her daughter had finally seen what a useless parasite her so called best friend was, but Taisie had been inconsolable.   
So had Janet when the news of how Helen Bartlett had reappeared and had kidnapped Rachel, and forced her to drive to Flamborough head with a belt tied around her neck. From what Dorothy had learned later, whilst she and the girls had been at Sammy and Orla’s do, Gill had rung Rachel up whilst the DC was driving home, and the conversation had sounded distant from Janet’s description, and how Gill had told everyone Rachel was leaving Manchester for a bit, and she was leaving her phone behind so then no one could call her. Janet had been a shadow of herself after that, and Dorothy was furious with Rachel for doing that to her daughter, and now Janet was distant from everyone.   
Part of her wanted to grab Janet’s laptop, which had Rachel’s email address on it, and send her a message, but since Rachel hadn’t sent anyone a reply it was more likely she was ignoring the messages she’d received, something else that pissed Dorothy off. Janet had told her later on that Gill had met Alison, who’d told her Rachel wasn’t going to reply to anyone.   
Maybe it was for the best, Dorothy mused. After all her daughter was a smart person, she would soon see Rachel was a waste of space, that she was wasting her precious time and energy on such an ungrateful little slut.   
Unfortunately Dorothy didn’t know that upstairs her granddaughter was eagerly looking through her emails, and her eyes caught something that made her smile. She opened the email, but she failed to notice the presence behind her.   
“ It’s from Rachel, isn’t it?”  
Taisie spun round with a surprised shriek. “ Elise! Don’t do that! Fuck, you almost gave me a heart attack.”  
Elise smirked in victory, and Taisie growled. She was about to go for her when a shout came from outside the room.   
“ What’s going on up there? I heard a scream.” Their gran shouted from downstairs. Glowing at her smirking sister though she knew Elise was only smirking for getting one up on her, Taisie walked over to the door and called down. “ Elise just crept up behind me, it’s nothing.”  
“ Well, if you’re sure...”  
Taisie walked back in her room, only to see Elise was sitting in her chair, reading the email. “ Oi! Get out of my chair.”  
Elise ignored her, “ You got a reply from Rachel. You managed to email her when mum couldn’t.” It was a statement rather than a question, and she herself was working up the urge to do what her sister had done. It really galled Elise her sister had done something like that, but she knew she could do better than her. Hah!   
Taisie nodded, wondering what her older sister would do. So she was a little surprised when Elise grinned, and shifted herself on the chair so then they could read it together. Taisie blinked, but she wanted to see what Rachel had written back that she sat down without argument, and they started to read;  
“ Hello Taisie,” the girls frowned by the formality, but they read on. “ Yeah, it was scary with Helen in the car, but it was even scarier seeing her die in front of me. I won’t tell you the details, I can’t even begin to describe it. Yeah, I told Gill when she rang me that I was leaving home for a bit. I just needed time to myself, and I had to get away from Manchester. Win-win situation, I get to get away from home for a bit, and I get time to myself, and the bonus is people don’t ring me.   
Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, but I genuinely just want to be left in peace until I get back home. I’m definitely coming back. Anyway, I’ve seen some sights in London - I visited the zoo, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the animals living in the enclosures; it reminds me too much of prison, but I guess the animals are better off here than they are in the wild.   
I also visited museums and art galleries; it’s amazing what people have come up with in the past, some of the artists really knew how to draw, or to paint, not like some people nowadays except a few exceptions. 

You don’t have to be sorry, Tais, what happened was my fault, and I don’t blame or hate you. How dare you for thinking that! I can’t help but feel it was going to happen anyway, and my marriage to Sean was a sham from the beginning; we had nothing in common except we’d grown up together, and went out, and we’re both police officers, but aside from that he made no effort whatsoever to keep the marriage going, he just sat back and let me do all the work, and everything that had attracted me to him had just faded away.   
Listen, I’ll send you and Elise a few things you’ll hopefully like, and I’ll see ya when I get back from Brighton.   
Love ya,   
Rachel.   
PS. Say hello to Elise for me. 

For a moment the two sisters sat in silence, rereading the letter. Elise frowned; like everyone else she was aware of what had happened between Rachel and her mum, and though she was disappointed with Rachel, she genuinely hoped she was okay.   
“ She didn’t mention mum,” Taisie commented quietly. She privately feared her mother’s friendship with Rachel was truly over, but Elise didn’t seem to think so as her thoughts seemed to mirror her sister’s, “ Maybe she’s worried about what Mum thinks of her,” Elise suggested, but she didn’t sound convinced. There were so many ways this email could be understood, interpreted, so many ways you could pick the words apart to make your own understanding. For Elise, the email was relatively straight forward, but it worried her about how formal Rachel was. Not like her at all.   
Taisie nodded, biting her lip. 

 

Rachel had been in Brighton for two days, and she couldn’t help but compare the seaside town to London and Manchester; Brighton was certainly more open than either Manchester, and the sea air from the beach and the seagulls flying through the sky brought it home. One thing never changed, and that was the crowds. When Rachel had been a kid, she and her mother had seen ants going about their jobs on the ground; seeing the crowds of people, young, old, tall and short going about their lives reminded her of those ants, and she joined them.   
It took Rachel hours to explore Brighton, and she quickly found places that made her feel right at home, but other places were more welcoming than others, but since Rachel was dependent on the Iron maiden that people called public transport she didn’t want to really see most of the place, especially if the buses down here were as slow as the ones she was used to back in Manchester.   
Rachel visited all kinds of places, she’d visited the Kipling gardens in Rottingdean, and spending time in the quiet peace of the historic village before going off to places like Newhaven and Seaford, and eventually she went to Eastbourne for a few hours where she just wandered around and taking in the sights and sounds. It felt strange for Rachel to be in Eastbourne because of Geoff Hastings, but the place wasn’t to blame for what the psycho had done. It was impossible for Rachel to think about Hastings and not think about Janet; she’d almost died because of the slimy little shit had stabbed her, but Geoff had murdered his own sister, and Janet had become obsessed with learning the truth.   
Veronica had been Janet’s Moby. Some coppers became obsessed with a certain case they’d never been able to crack, and they were named after Moby Dick, the white whale story written by Melville. Rachel frowned as she sat down and watched the sea, hearing the lapping of water crashing out onto the beach, the froth washing over the stones wearing them down smooth as glass. The topic of Moby’s had made her wonder; what if, someday, she would become obsessed with a case until it tore her apart? Sometimes it happened, it wasn’t unusual, and it worried Rachel because so far she’d had a good enough track record with solving cases, but she knew it could happen one day. Some senior officers were lucky, but Tom Walters, the SIO in charge of the Veronica Hastings case hadn’t been; Rachel remembered the amount of papers and documents Walters had managed to save. She also couldn’t stop her mind from flashing back to a conversation she and Janet had had.....

 

A hand on the doorjamb made Rachel look up from the desk she was using to read the papers from one of the many boxes Walters had given Janet; it surprised Rachel and yet didn’t surprise her that the retired police officer had compiled so much information about the case.   
Janet poked her head in; it was the second night Rachel was staying round the Scott’s place, and Rachel had become quite interested in the case. Sometimes the two women would sit and debate over certain points.   
“ I see you’ve started another box,” Janet commented.   
Rachel smiled tiredly; she knew she should be getting ready for bed, but she wanted to get her mind wrapped around something major before her head hit the pillows. “ I couldn’t help it. I’ll say one thing for Tom Walters, he’s thorough.”  
“ Maybe I should introduce you,” Janet said with a smile, though her tone wasn’t joking, “ I think he’d like you.” Janet’s tone became serious. “ What do you think so far?”   
Rachel was fully aware Janet hadn’t gone over all the notes yet, neither had she, but she’d made herself look at them by random. “ To be fairly honest, there’s nothing so far I can see that’s solid. That’s the problem, and its possibly no wonder his theories have never been taken seriously, unless of course something happens that strikes as similar, some of these notes seem to be questions, and guessed answers. Nothing substantial enough to make the case serious despite what happened. Walters has had years to mull over the case, sort through it, and write things out for himself. But the thing what I don’t get is why Veronica? I mean, why choose her in particular? What was so special about her when there were other girls in the school?”   
Janet nodded. “ Yeah, I’ve been asking myself that question for years.”   
“ I know,” Rachel sighed wearily. “ Sorry, I’ve been mulling over this for hours. I’m going back to my flat tomorrow,” Janet nodded, wondering why Rachel would tell her something she already knew, but deep down was sad Rachel wasn’t going to stay longer; it was great another police officer was in the house with her, and more than that she enjoyed the debates she had with Rachel about this case. “ But is it okay if I take some of this stuff home with me, perhaps I can browse the net for similar cases?”   
That grabbed Janet’s attention; she hadn’t thought of that. “ You think something similar happened somewhere else, to somebody else?” The idea of a girl dying was horrifying itself, but if it happened elsewhere - The concept of a serial killer was an old one, but very real.   
Rachel sighed. “ Who knows? But its worth checking it out. The sad part is Walters wasn’t sure if this killer has done it since, or if there was anything similar, despite his theory.” 

 

In the present day, Rachel looked down at her feet. The memories of all the good times she’d had with Janet, even if they were work related came back to haunt her.   
“ Hello,” a small voice next to her said, and Rachel turned to see a small girl with long blond plaits. Rachel’s breath caught in her throat; the girl reminded her so much of Janet it was scary. “ Hello,” she replied at last; she’d been hesitant of speaking to the child at first, all those children must not speak to strangers warnings coming to mind, and the girls parents were probably not that far away and would spot their kid with her, a stranger.   
That and the resemblance to Janet was another reason for Rachel to be, well, wary. Was fate trying to get her back to Janet?  
The girl looked at her quizzically. “ Are you lonely?”  
Rachel frowned. “ Why should I be?” She didn’t want to say to the girl she was lonely, but the girl had possibly guessed it.   
“ Because you’re all alone.” Leave it to a little kid to give such a basic answer but the right one.   
Rachel looked away from the girl. “ Yeah, I am.” There was nothing else she could do to refute the girl’s statement.   
Luckily the girl changed the subject, but Rachel wondered where her parents had gone. “ Why are you alone?”   
Rachel sighed; maybe telling this child would help her get some of the weight off her chest. “ I made a mistake. I did something that hurt my best friend, and she kicked me out of her home because I had problems at my own place, and after that life went downhill.”  
“ How?” the girl looked at her with interest.   
“ I’m a police officer,” Rachel reached into her purse to show off the warrant card, “ and I was suspended because something happened at work, and a bad person hurt me, and so I left home and came here.”   
As far she could tell the little girl was six or seven years old, maybe eight, so Rachel wasn’t going to go in depth with the mess with Helen Bartlett, besides she didn’t think it would be a good idea. Telling a girl how she’d had sex with another man whilst she was supposed to be married, in someone else’s home with a kid outside wasn’t a good idea.   
“ How badly were you hurt? You’ve got no bandages,” the girl’s eyes ran critically over Rachel’s form.   
Rachel shook her head, a smile brightening her face. “ No, not that kind of hurt. Have you ever had an argument with someone and it resulted in tears, you crying?” The girl looked at her, and nodded quietly. “ That’s what I meant by hurt. I came down here to get away from it all, but I’m not running away,” she said quickly in case the kid got it into her head to ask that. “ I just needed time to myself without being bothered.”  
“ Oh,” the girl seemed to think the fascinating lady she was sitting next to was being bothered by her, “ I’ll go if you like.”  
Rachel surprised the girl by laughing. “ It’s okay. You’re not bothering me. I meant bothered by my sister and all my friends. I just wanted to be alone when I left home.”   
“ Oh,” the girl said again. “ What’s gonna happen with your friend? Is she a police officer as well?”  
“ Yep,” Rachel confirmed. “ We work in the same unit.” She didn’t say anything else, because she had no idea where she stood with her MIT syndicate anymore. When she’d left on her suspension, everyone had seemed to think her guilty by association because of what had happened with Kevin. Rachel hated to think her standing had changed because of her kidnapping; it reminded her too much about those Disney films where people were too good to be true, how hypocritical the characters were beneath their facades. Cartoon stories might live happily ever after, but in real life, especially if you became a policewoman, you saw things in grey as well as black and white. Gill’s attempt to get her to come back to work, and her inviting her to the wedding do had angered Rachel because it sounded like everything had been forgotten, but she hadn’t wanted to forget what had caused the suspension in the first place. She just hadn’t found the strength to do it; she had needed change.   
“ That sounds so cool,” the girl said, “ maybe I can be a police officer when I’m older.”  
“ Being a police officer is hard,” Rachel wasn’t trying to dissuade the girl, she was trying to be realistic. “ Even if you succeed in it, it can be hard on you mentally and physically. Besides, who knows? You might decide to be something else like a doctor, or even an artist.”   
The girl wrinkled her nose, but she looked thoughtful. “ I never thought of it like that. Are you and your friend going to kiss and make up? Sometimes when I poke my brother in the eye, my mum shouts at me, but he sometimes pulls my hair, she gets us to kiss and make up.”  
Rachel couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “ It’s not as simple as that.”  
“ Sarah, what are you doing over here? What have I told you about speaking to strangers?” Another woman, a woman with an older appearance to the girl, same eyes and hair color, appeared, and scolded the girl.  
“ But, mummy, I just wanted to see what was bothering the lady.” Sarah replied, her lip sticking out.   
Rachel stood up to address the woman. “ It’s okay, really.” She held out her warrant card for the woman to see, and she instantly relaxed a bit when she saw no harm had been done. “ I’m sorry about that, sometimes Sarah goes off and I have to look for her, she almost gives me a heart attack each time,” she added with a glare to the child. Suddenly she frowned. “ Hold on, Manchester? You’re that police officer that was held hostage in that car, weren’t you? Being driven to a cliff nearby, and had to see the woman die?”   
Rachel stiffened and took a breath to relax herself. Until she’d gone to her Alison’s she hadn’t been aware the media had gotten hold of the story of her kidnap, but she was eternally grateful the media hadn’t found out too much about her so far otherwise her sister and her family would’ve been harassed by journalists and photographers.   
She swallowed when she realised she had no option but to tell the woman the truth. “ That’s me, I had to get away from Manchester for a while, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone I’m here. I came here to relax from what happened, I don’t need a reminder of what happened. Nice meeting you Sarah,” Rachel added, picking up her stuff and turned to walk away.   
The startled mother watched her go before she felt an insistent tug on her hand, and she looked down to find her daughter glaring at her indignantly, Sarah was too young to know what really happened to the nice lady, but she knew she was really upset about it.   
The look from her daughter made the mother grab her daughter’s hand, and run off in the direction Rachel had gone. The mother saw the young police woman’s posture was weary, and she felt guilty; she’d been through hell and back, and she hadn’t helped matters in the least by reminding her about the whole thing.   
“ Wait,” she called, “ please, I’m sorry!”  
Rachel turned and looked at the two blonds, wondering what it would take for the human race to leave her alone so she could get on with her life. She stayed silent as the woman rambled, somehow sounding worse than Alison, saying; “ I’m really sorry. I honestly didn’t think about what I was saying, it’s just my mouth likes to get the better of myself sometimes.”   
Rachel nodded. “ It doesn’t matter.”  
“ Yes, it does,” the woman insisted. “ I should’ve realised you’d come down here only to rest. I’m really sorry.”  
“ It doesn’t matter,” Rachel repeated. “ I didn’t find out about the newspapers until much later. The person who kidnapped me was from a high profile case because of the scale of what had happened, her death and my kidnap made it rocket up. When she died, it just added fuel to the flames.”   
After clearing the air some more, Rachel left Sarah and her mother Petra, but she found it was nice to get some of the things off her chest. But as she got a nice hug from Sarah, Rachel couldn’t help but wonder if there was someone else who would recognise her face from the pictures in the newspapers. She hoped not. She just hoped Sarah and Petra were one off, but as she got back on a bus to take her back to Brighton she wondered what would happen when she got home, whether there would be people from the media swarming all over her flat, asking people like Janet and Pete questions about her. What about Sean?   
The breath caught in her throat and her heart pounded like a thousand drums at what Sean could say to the papers, about their marriage, her infidelity.....Kevin, it would be terrible to go back to the office and face that kind of pain all over again whilst she’d tried so hard to change her entire life.   
Alison had not said anything, but that didn’t mean her sister wasn’t trying to protect her from the outcry. Her name was already shit to the McCartneys, and it would be just like her sister to protect her. It was strange and also annoying; earlier Rachel had been in a good mood, and now she was terrified and tense. When she got back to the hotel she was presently staying in, she checked the internet for anything relating to her. There was no point emailing Taisie or Gill about this, they wouldn’t tell her, but the internet would. Rachel kicked herself for not thinking about this earlier, but when she took a look at the headlines and articles relating to her and Helen Bartlett, she was reassured. The story, apparently, had ended when it was revealed that Helen had taken her own life, and it was shown that Rachel had tried to save her, but she’d been too late.   
Case closed as far as the newspapers had been concerned.   
Rachel frowned as she went over the other things about Helen. She’d had to spend hours in the car, having nothing better to do but to listen as Helen went on about what had happened to her; she knew only the story mattered to journalists, but surely they could’ve seen the damage their actions had caused. Had it really not occurred to them that by printing those articles then Helen wouldn’t have tried to take her life twice, and succeeding on the second attempt? Overdose, Helen had done that, but bleeding to death had been something Rachel hadn’t been able to stop. Rachel knew for someone like Helen death was a blessing, a relief. 

 

Rachel found she was enjoying the writing workshop held in the nearby Waterstones. It was being run by a lovely woman called Wendy, and it was held on the first Thursday of every month, but since Rachel didn’t live and work in Brighton she would never be able to attend another workshop, and if there was one in Manchester, she might not be able to get away from MIT in order to attend. Gill might let her off occasionally, but she doubted her boss would let her do it on major cases where her input might be needed during the meetings they held at night.   
She was fascinated by Wendy’s way of writing poems especially since it was so simple and yet so incredibly straight forward compared to sitting and itching to write, but not being able to do so because you couldn’t find the words if you wanted to make a lot of rhymes; all you had to do was be given a theme, and either use your senses to describe it, or simply use your memories of it. For instance, if you went down to a beach with the theme being the sea, you would describe the frothiness of the waves as they washed on the shore, the salty taste of the water and in the air, you would also describe the colors. Wendy would then get you to pick out the words out of what you’d written, and write them down on scraps of paper you’d move around, before making a poem. Rachel hadn’t thought of poetry like that, but she thought it was a novel idea. She made a mental note to write as many poems as possible when she returned home, or she could start here, and write an ebook or something, that would definitely give her something to do when she got back home. Rachel made the decision there and then to try and develop her life past what it was.   
When their time was up, Rachel handed her written up poem in, and handed Wendy her email address. “ I’m going home, back up to Manchester,” she said to the woman as she prepared to leave as Wendy thanked everyone from coming, and received the email addresses from everybody else, “ but I’d like to send you some of my poems if I can.”  
Wendy nodded with a smile. “ That would be fantastic. You don’t mind if I put them up, do you?”   
Rachel shook her head. “ No, please do.”   
As she left and headed back to the place she was staying, Rachel wondered what her friends at work would think when she came home, and started writing, but she doubted it would matter. She needed to do this, she needed to change before she lost everything she’d worked so long and so hard to work for over the years.   
When she got back to the place she was staying, she took out her notebook, and for a moment she didn’t do anything except stare at the blank, lined pages. Rachel thought about something she’d seen, and then her mind came up with something, and she smiled and started to write. She kept writing for half an hour before she stopped, and then she started underlining bits she felt would work well in the poems, before she tore scraps of paper up and wrote on them before she got the poems she wanted, then she wrote them up on her computer.   
Rachel then checked her watch, and saw that she had to get to bed; she would be going back home tomorrow, and she would need her rest when she did. She would tidy up the mess she’d made in the morning. Setting her mobile alarm for 6.00, Rachel washed her teeth and went to bed. She found that on the last night of her impromptu holiday, she was missing her own bed, in her own flat.   
The thought of home made her tense involuntarily; she wasn’t going to move house, that wasn’t her style. But her flat had some memories to it, not all of them good; Dom, Nick, Sean and Hayden......the last two made her close her eyes, and made her wish time travel was common so then she could stop it all from happening, the hell that had come from Dom murdering Nick, implicating her in the murder, and marrying Sean who’d done more for her outside Alison and Janet. Look how she’d repaid him.   
Rachel cried herself to sleep.   
The next morning, she sorted the room she’d been staying in out before she picked up her things and checked out and paid her bill. Fortunately it wasn’t that expensive, Rachel had been eating out whenever she could, and only had small meals in the restaurant to save money. What was the point of staying in a hotel if you couldn’t enjoy yourself with a more wider variety of foods outside?   
Rachel got herself a small pot of yoghurt and some tea from EAT, and ate close to the Churchill square shopping centre, musing about the things she had to do before she got back to work. She would need to go back into Waterstones for books on poetry, on how to write poems but also books written by poets.   
When she was finished, she headed for the train station, and had to pay the expensive single fare all the way to Victoria, but it would be worth it when she got home. 

 

Rachel got off the train at Manchester Piccadilly, and she couldn’t help the sigh of relief when she breathed in the Manchester air, but she grimaced at the stench; after the air in Brighton, Manchester air seemed so dirty, but it was home, and Rachel would have to accept it. Maybe she would spend her holidays in the South east. She might use the train, or she would drive, but somehow she’d felt relaxed about being chauffeur driven there, even if it had been a train, and the fare prices had been steep, it had been worth it in the end. Now Rachel had a clearer head.   
As she left the station she found a free taxi, and gave the driver Alison’s address before settling down to let the driver get on with it. It was a short trip, thank god, but Rachel was grateful for the chance to mentally survey the familiar streets, and thinking of poems she could write from them. After she’d paid the driver, she knocked on the door and waited. Alison and Tony were in, their cars were parked outside along with hers. Rachel frowned as she laid eyes on the car she hadn’t seen for the past three weeks, how would she feel about driving it now after what happened, but she refused to let Helen Bartlett’s ghost ruin her life by making her live in fear of the damn thing, but it was her car.   
She shrugged, and knocked on Alison’s door and waited.   
Tony opened the door. “ Rachel,” he greeted with a smile. She smiled back. “ Hiya, Tony, is Ali and the kids in?”  
“ Do you really need to ask? Come on in! Here, let me take those,” he gestured to the bags Rachel was carrying. Rachel, not in the mood to argue and considerably travel worn, let him take them. “ How was the trip back? Man, I like your new haircut.”  
“ Long and expensive, honestly those prices...,” she replied as she walked into the house, and ran a hand through her shorter hair, “ You really like it, thanks. I don’t know why some of the train companies put their prices so high if they want people using them.”   
Alison, hearing the voices, came out into the hall and she let out a sound a cross between a squeal and a scream. “ Rach!” before slamming into her sister in a crushing hug. “ I’ve only just got back,” Rachel managed to get out, “ and my sister’s trying to crush me to death.”  
Tony laughed as his wife let go hastily, but Rachel pulled her back in a much softer embrace. “ Missed you, Ali.”   
“ Missed you more, Rachel,” Alison said back and looked at her, frowning at Rachel’s shorter hairstyle, but didn’t say a word, she was only looking at how Rachel had changed, that didn’t mean she didn’t like it.   
Rachel handed the family presents she’d bought for them, she’d mailed parcels of books or other things to Janet and the girls, and Dorothy, though she was sure the old biddy would throw it away though she didn’t really care, and she’d gotten Orla and Sammy a late wedding present. She hoped they appreciated it. But when it came to Alison and her family, she wanted to give them their presents personally. After a nice dinner, Rachel spent the night at Alison’s before heading back to her flat. As she walked out to her car Alison followed her out, “ When are you going back to work?”  
“ The day after tomorrow,” Rachel replied before she went into depth about her plans. “ I’m going to get some art supplies tomorrow, and after that I’m going to get ready for work.”  
“ Hold on,” Alison held up a hand, frowning, “ art supplies? You’re getting art supplies?”  
Rachel nodded. “ I told you I had to change my life, I’ve got poems on my computer, and I’ve made notes galore for the last day or so to write new ones.”  
“ Poems? Art supplies?” Alison shook her head, staring at her sister in surprise. “ God, you were serious about changing your lifestyle. I’d better be invited to see some of them.”  
“ You’re okay with it?” Rachel didn’t say a word about Ali wanting to see her work when she’d done it all, she was going to see it anyway.  
Alison glowered at her sister like she’d sprouted two heads, and considering the bombshells Rachel had dropped on her recently, she was sure a head was on the verge of sprouting from Rachel’s neck. “ Of course I am. I hate it whenever you had trouble because you were out drinking. I always told you your liver would be pickled, and you never listened to me.”  
“ Helen Bartlett drinking herself to death before actually killing herself drove that lesson home,” Rachel replied brutally, doing the job of silencing and scaring her sister at the same time, “ I’m not going to do that.” 

 

Life for Janet Scott was like a robot going through its programming. For weeks since Rachel had left since Flamborough Head, Janet had been a wreck with worry for her friend. But she wasn’t sure where she stood with Rachel, especially since the pair hadn’t spoken since....that night. Janet bit her lip as she remembered her anger, not just directed at Rachel but also at herself. She remembered being married to Ade for years, and yet she’d spat on those same vows, to love and protect him, to be with Andy. Not once, but quite a few times. Each times she left feeling disgusted by herself. She’d felt unclean, but she would find herself yearning for it, for Andy, more and more. And she had the nerve to be angry with Rachel, well she did because of Taisie.   
Her mother didn’t understand that, nor would she despite knowing she and Adrian hadn’t had the best of relationships. How could they, all that arguing, all that sniping? It wasn’t healthy. She’d even caught her daughters asking each other more than once in quiet tones when their parents would divorce, but she hadn’t told them off, lost her cool with them; she’d just let the question haunt her. How long would their marriage, shoddy and disastrous as it was, fall apart at the seams?   
In that regard Janet knew she couldn’t blame Rachel, but she was furious she couldn’t make the slightest effort to make a try at the wedding, that she would keep putting it off and keeping Sean at arms length, to say nothing about what Taisie had seen. Janet sighed softly as she found herself driving out of her route, but she didn’t find a place to change her direction. She kept on driving until she reached a familiar place.   
Rachel’s flat.   
Janet slowed the car down to a stop as she surveyed the place, noting for herself the lack of a car in the driveway. She didn’t bother getting out of her own car as she watched the place for any signs of habitation, but then she gave up when she saw she was wasting her time. Besides she had to get back to the office, her mind on other things.   
Her phone rang at that moment, and she whipped it out on the off chance it might be Rachel, but it wasn’t. It was Gill. “ Hi, Janet,” her boss greeted softly, “ where are you?”   
“ Not far from work, why?” Janet asked, her eyes fixed on the road.   
“ Same here, I think I’m right behind - oh, yeah, you are in front of me,” Gill said over the phone. “ I thought I saw your car as you went down to Rachel’s flat. I’ve been coming this way, too. Speaking of her, did you receive packages sent to you with notes attached?”  
Janet sighed. “ Yeah. We got them on Saturday. I got a T-shirt and a beautiful sculpture, and mum got a couple of books, but the girls got CDs and DVDs, and they both received a note. It said, “ I’m sorry,” and I recognised the handwriting as Rachel’s. I had to stop Mum from gathering them all and chucking them in the bin, then Taisie let slip about an email, and I forced her to tell me what it said.”  
“ What email? What did it say?”   
Janet sighed again, wondering if Rachel even knew how much she was hurting, or whether she cared of not. Until Alison had met Gill, Janet had hoped Rachel was merely reading her emails, and simply trying to find something meaningful to say, but that hope had died when Gill had told her about meeting Rachel’s sister.   
“ Taisie had sent an email to Rachel, basically telling her she was worried and she was sorry.”  
“ Sorry for what?” Janet realised she’d made a mistake when Gill asked that question. Gill and, probably Alison, didn’t know what Taisie had seen Rachel and Kevin do.   
Biting her lip, she decided simply tell Gill the truth. She told her friend and boss the gory details about Pete and Sharon, what Sharon had done to him and his own marriage, but when she told Gill what Rachel had done in front in Taisie. On the other end Gill gaped at what the young DC had done, how could Rachel be so stupid?   
“ You’ve forgiven her for it?” Gill asked quietly.   
Janet frowned. “ I need to talk to Rachel about it, but that email worried me because of how....formal Rachel had been with Taisie. She seems to have forgiven Rachel, though mum doesn’t understand how she could. What did you get, you mentioned packages?”   
Gill sensed and was delighted with the change of subject, she could now understand why Rachel hadn’t told Alison seeing as the woman had kids herself, Alison would probably kill her. “ She sent Orla and Sammy a wedding present, and a note saying she hoped they’d be happy, that Sammy did well as a policeman, and Orla to have a long and happy life with him.”  
“ That’s nice of her. What did she send you?”   
Gill grinned. “ A few true crimes books.”  
“ Seriously?”   
“ Yeah.” 

 

The two policewomen rolled their cars into the station car park, believing themselves to be the only ones of the syndicate barring the uniformed staff, and as Janet looked for a place to park when she saw Rachel’s car. She almost jammed on the brakes, but she caught herself. She hurriedly found a parking space, and she hopped out of the car and rushed for the other car. Rachel had changed cars after Dom had taken it joyriding.   
She was back.   
Gill came over as well, frowning. Rachel was a brave girl to face the demons this car brought up.   
“ She’s back,” Janet kept murmuring.   
The two policewomen went into the station, and they both checked out the ladies as Rachel and Janet had sometimes chatted together in that white walled room more times than they could’ve counted. But Rachel wasn’t in there, so Gill and Janet went up to the office. It was the most logical place Rachel could be, and they were right. Rachel was sitting at her desk, but she was different from how she’d appeared when they’d last seen her. At the sight of Janet and Gill, she stood up to greet them. “ Morning. I’m back,” she said before folding her arms.   
Gill tried to smile, but it was hard. Rachel seemed so....different. Her hair was shorter than it had been before, and it enhanced her naturally angular face, which was still pale, and her brown eyes seemed sharper now. Yes, she could see the intelligence, the razor sharp observational skills Rachel reserved for cases. Like before, Rachel didn’t wear much makeup, but there was dark eyeshadow, making her face more brooding, and Gill couldn’t help but feel a little bit threatened, so she focused instead on Rachel’s clothes. They were smart but casual, they were also dark. Rachel was wearing a pair of grey, fingerless gloves, and a black jacket over a dark blue blouse, and black trousers.   
Janet was also taken aback by Rachel’s appearance. Her clothes being darker didn’t matter to her, but mattered to Janet the most was the close cropped brown hair instead of those brown curls that Janet thought made Rachel look beautiful. Her shorter haircut made the angles of her face stand out, enhancing not just Rachel’s beauty, but also her sharpened brown eyes, and her paler face.   
“ Morning, Rachel,” Gill said before she stepped forwards, and gently moved in to hug her younger colleague. Rachel stood there as Gill did that, quirking a brow in question as Gill hugged her, and she lightly embraced the smaller, thinner woman. “ Are you alright?”  
“ I’m better than I was since I left,” Rachel replied softly though both women heard her, keeping one eye on Gill as the DCI hugged her tightly, and one eye on Janet. The other woman hadn’t moved a muscle in the time she’d laid eyes on Rachel.   
“ How was Brighton and London?” Gill asked as she pulled away, knowing that Rachel had changed tremendously.   
Rachel smiled as she told the two women about her time away, and in all that time Janet didn’t say a word until she asked, “ Why didn’t you reply to our emails?”   
Rachel didn’t hold back the sigh. “ I’m sorry about that, but I needed to be alone.” She looked down, a frown on her face as she thought back.   
Janet tried, and failed, to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but this needed to be said. “ I went round to your flat to see how you were after what happened to you, but you weren’t there. We were worried about you, Rachel.”  
A frown appeared on Rachel’s face, “ What time was this?” She could hear Janet’s voice, hear the bitterness in the tone. It worried the two other women with how....uncaring Rachel seemed to be.  
Janet gave her a close enough time, and Rachel replied, “ That’s probably because I’d left already. I’d gone back to the flat to pick up some things, and then I popped round to Alisons.”  
Janet bit her lip. She hadn’t thought of that. All she’d thought of at the time was simply cornering Rachel at her flat, and try and drag her to the do so then Rachel would recover with her friends all around her, but Rachel had gotten there first and left.   
Rachel must have seen it because she sneered, any earlier goodwill thoughts towards Janet disappearing quickly, “ You mean it never occurred to you that I would see my own sister before I fucked off to London? Do you really think I would do that? She called me after you called,” she looked over at Gill, who’d stood there forgotten so far, and just as surprised at the coldness in her usually bubbly DC, “ and I told her I would come round to see her after getting back from Flamborough,” she shuddered at the memory of the drama she’d gone through then. “ I saw her, and I swore there and then to visit her family more often.   
“I’ve missed out on them long enough. I had to get away from Manchester, to clear my head. I saw the theatre whilst I was in London, I watched the acts performed on the stage, and did you know there’s a woman down in Brighton who runs writing workshops, who taught me a way of writing poetry I’d honestly never thought about?” Rachel had to smirk as she saw what the words poetry, and theatre did to Janet and Gill, and she couldn’t help but be a bit peeved with them. Did it really not occur to them there was more to her than drinking, but she supposed it made sense, given how she’d never done anything else.   
She couldn’t blame them either; until her unorthodox leave of absence, Rachel had never imagined visiting a theatre, or visiting an art gallery, never mind thinking of taking up poetry or painting.   
“ I did reply, to Taisie, and to Alison. So I didn’t live in a bubble,” Rachel spat in annoyance. Janet blinked, not liking how much her friend, if she was still a friend, had changed. What had happened to her? 

 

“ I’ve started seeing a shrink on the weekends, to help me through what happened, but I’d rather not talk about the kidnapping or seeing Helen die,” Rachel told Gill as the two women sat in Gill’s office. By then more and more people had come in, and they’d been surprised and delighted to see her, but Rachel had only greeted them calmly without saying a word to any of them. It was beginning to worry Gill and Janet, not to mention everyone else with how....cold and distant Rachel was being. How much had she been changed by Helen? What had she done to Rachel?   
Gill watched the young DC beadily. Rachel had made it clear she didn’t want to talk about the kidnapping to anyone in the office, though she would do it with a shrink, which she felt was better than nothing. That feeling she’d felt, the one where she’d felt threatened, well it hadn’t gone away, though Gill now had an idea of what it’d been; Rachel’s manner. Her body language was hostile, but instead of spouting her mouth off like she may have done in the past, this version of Rachel was more blunt, colder, and Gill hoped, wiser.  
“ So, what’s been happening here?” Rachel changed the subject, not that Gill blamed her.   
Gill shrugged, “ Not much,” she replied, “ Whilst you were gone, we’d gotten a case that could’ve used your input, but we got it solved quickly enough.” Lies, it had taken her more than a week to solve properly, and it was such a basic case.   
Rachel nodded, but didn’t say anything about that.   
“ We’re just going through paperwork at the moment,” Gill carried on. “ But that’s not what’s important, Rachel. I want to know how you’re doing, how you’re feeling?”  
Rachel closed her eyes and looked away for her a bit. She glared at the onlookers, though they tried their best to look busy when in fact they were clearly more interested in the conversation their boss was having with Rachel. The young DC in question was angered by this, she felt like an ant in a glass case with gormless human beings looking in at her. The others quailed at her look and looked away from her. Gill’s concerns were growing worse. What had happened to the bubbly DC?   
“ She died in front of me,” For the first time actual emotion appeared in the mask, and Gill was stunned by the realisation that the facade was to protect Rachel from her trauma, and she was starting to ask if Rachel should actually be working at all, but she would give the DC the benefit of a doubt.  
“ She kidnapped me, tied a belt around my neck so I couldn’t move my head, and forced me to drive her to Flamborough head, and then she cut herself. And she forced me to watch, and I couldn’t stop it,” Rachel swallowed, and Gill saw an emotion she’d never expected on the younger woman’s face. Guilt. It was soon mixed with pain, “ How do you think I feel?”   
Gill couldn’t answer that question. That’s when she realised that Rachel couldn’t describe how she was feeling, but she could see that Rachel had been badly affected by Helen’s death. 

 

Over the next few weeks Rachel’s return was shadowed by another case. The other members of the team were delighted to have her back because this was her element, but instead of piecing the evidence together to fit a jigsaw Rachel seemed to be focusing on the facts to fit the picture. The police officers in syndicate 9 also quickly found out Rachel whilst still a good person was now acting far more professional than she had for the past couple of years, she was polite and honest with the others, she worked with them as well as she had in the past, and in the interview room she continued to use her technique of carefully picking her questions to learn the truth, but she didn’t do anything with them outside work, and no one realised that better than Janet. When Rachel had come back from her unofficial holiday, she’d been prepared to be partnered up with someone else like Rob or Mitch, but Gill and Janet hadn’t wanted that. Janet and Rachel had worked together for a long time, and their partnership always brought in results, and if there was one thing Gill had learnt in her long career, it was never to waste such a resource, and Janet and Rachel’s partnership, their way to sift through crimes, and their ability to work so well together was something every SIO wanted for their teams.   
Janet had been looking forward to working with Rachel again since it meant they could mend bridges and be friends again. She had been hurt yes, but Rachel had been kidnapped and she could’ve died, and Janet wanted to be there for her. Unfortunately Rachel had a mind of her own, and she was strictly professional with Janet as well though there were signs their friendship were mending. When Rachel had stepped back in the office, the words she had with Janet were brisk, now their conversations had moved past short sentences, and Janet was hopeful about that.   
Janet was a little bit scared by how much her friend had changed, and she had told Rachel she’d forgiven her for what had happened with Taisie, but Rachel hadn’t said a word though Janet had watched as the brunette opened and closed her mouth but she couldn’t say a word, but Janet had thought it a good start. Unfortunately, Rachel’s changes didn’t just go into the workplace. By the end of the month Janet had lost count of the number of times she’d tried to get Rachel to come out to have a drink with everyone, in fact they all tried, even Gill and Rob. But Rachel refused, she kept saying she wanted to spend time with her sister or paint or write in her flat, and that hurt Janet. On the weekends, Rachel would spend her time in the flat, going for a walk in a park, something she’d never had expected to be a joy, going to the gym, and seeing her shrink. Rachel was pleased her sessions with Melissa, her shrink seemed to be going well. Melissa reminded Rachel of Wendy, she wasn’t demanding. She didn’t ask Rachel stupid questions, she only needed to prod Rachel into a direction with a well chosen sentence, and let Rachel speak. That’s what Rachel liked about her. She was thinking of keeping Melissa as a shrink for a long time, much longer than she felt she needed to get over Helen’s death. She didn’t tell Melissa much about the others in the syndicate, though she could tell the woman was patient for her sake. Melissa was a genuinely compassionate woman, and Rachel thanked her lucky stars for that.   
Janet’s hurt was noticed by everyone in the office, and her own family saw it as well. Dorothy didn’t hide her contempt for Rachel, nor did she hold her tongue in criticising her. She’d scoffed when she’d heard from Janet that Rachel was painting or writing in her flat, though she didn’t say much about Rachel’s family. She didn’t need too; Janet and the girls had heard it all before. Dorothy had once met Rachel’s brother and sister during Rachel’s birthday, and though the contempt for Dom hadn’t been hard to conjure, Dorothy had managed to have a go about Alison though she was ignorant about the woman’s past whereas Janet wasn’t. Taisie and Elise had liked Alison from the start, though they’d been a bit wary of Dom, and when Janet had learnt from Rachel about the gory details of what the siblings had gone through, their respect for Rachel and now Alison had skyrocketed. Janet had told Dorothy about it, thinking and hoping her mother would back off, and all the time wondering why her mother disliked Rachel so much.   
The younger woman had been incredibly polite to her during their meetings, but Dorothy just hated her. It was really sad.   
Unfortunately the news didn’t help Dorothy’s contempt.   
At work, the syndicate often spoke to Rachel, but she would always look away as her amor shifted, and she became just as tough, but more quiet and subdued. What was wrong with her? 

 

Gill set down her knife and fork on the plate with a contented sigh. “ That was wonderful,” she said softly to Dorothy, who beamed at her.   
“ You’re welcome, Gill,” she replied, “ I’m glad someone appreciates me.”   
Janet shook her head at her mother’s lack of subtlety, but she said nothing as she led her boss as her mother and daughters did the washing up. They sat on the couch, nursing a bottle of wine.   
“ Thanks for coming,” Janet said gratefully. It had been getting lonely for her even with her daughters and their grandmother, and since Rachel coming back, Janet had been feeling even lonelier than she wanted to think about.   
Gill smiled. “ No problem. Since Sammy and Orla have gotten married, and gone on their honeymoon I’ve been all alone. It’s nice not to have to come home to an empty house.” She settled down in the couch, and gazed thoughtfully at Janet. Her expression became solemn. “ I saw you talk with Rach earlier.”  
Janet winced. “ Don’t remind me. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. She’s become so secretive, she barely speaks to me, and you know what hurts the most?” Gill shook her head. “ I feel like I’m talking to an imposter when I look at her now. She looks and sounds like Rachel, but I’d still like to know what the hell has gotten into her.   
“ I tried to invite her round, but Rachel said no. She said she was going to be busy at her flat.”   
“ What do you think she’s doing in her flat, anyway?”   
Janet sighed. “ She says she’s painting, and writing. At first I didn’t believe her, but when she came into work the next day, I couldn’t smell even a drop of wine on her. And she hasn’t had a hangover yet.”   
Gill nodded thoughtfully. “ Maybe Rachel was being sincere when she said all that stuff about changing.”   
Janet looked into her glass of wine. “ Maybe she did, but she still could’ve come round to the house.”   
Gill was about to reply when there was a knock on the door. “ I’ll get that!” Janet shouted as she got out of her couch. Gill didn’t follow, she drank slowly from her wine glass, sighing contentedly as the alcohol burnt in her system. Unlike Janet she’d decided to observe Rachel’s behavior in case she was a danger, a liability to the team, but she had paid close attention to how the changes in Rachel’s life had taken their toll on the DC, and everyone else.   
Janet’s reappearance in the living room brought Gill back to the present. The look on Janet’s face was serious enough. “ There’s a light on at the Bevan house, but since the neighbors know I’m a police officer they decided to pop round to tell me before calling the police themselves.”

 

Gill and Janet went over to the Bevan place with an apology to Dorothy and the girls, taking a torch along with them. When they got nearer they saw a familiar sight.   
“ Janet, is that Rachel’s car?” Gill asked.   
Janet frowned when she saw the car. “ Yeah,” she shook her head, “ Why’s she here? What’s she doing inside?” Rachel being here was the last thing either of them had expected, but they weren’t going to walk away from this.   
Ever since the investigation, the Bevan house had been scheduled to be demolished; who in their right mind would want to live in a house where people had been sexually tortured and abused, and buried in different points around the house? The reputation and release of the story, made worse by Helen’s own shady past, and her kidnap of a police officer, had only made the property less attractive, so now it was condemned.   
Janet shone her torch over the windows, noting the holes from bricks or stones. The door wasn’t even locked, so anyone could get in easily enough which explained how Rachel had gotten in, but it didn’t explain why she was here.   
Janet couldn’t help the shiver that ran down her back as she stepped through the door, and though she did her best to hide it, it didn’t get past Gill’s attention. “ Cold?” the DCI asked.   
Janet shook her head. “ No, just the thought of what went on here.”  
Gill knew what she meant, but they pressed on. A voice called from upstairs. Rachel’s voice. “ Sorry, I just - couldn’t concentrate at home, so I decided to go for a drive before going to bed. Imagine my shock when I found myself back here, in the house of hell.”   
That explained why she was here.   
Rachel came down the stairs, shining her own torch. “ I’m glad I did some, though,” she said as she descended the stairs. “ Being here,” she looked thoughtful and disgusted at the same time, “ made what happened at Flamborough head seem academic.”  
“ What do you mean?” Gill whispered.   
With that question, with that revelation, all the emotion Rachel had been holding back for so long came out. She collapsed on the stairway into tears.   
“ Why did they do it?” she gasped. “ Why did they torture so many people? Why didn’t Helen try to do something more positive rather than kidnap me, and have me take her to Flamborough head? She could’ve written a book, had a radio interview, anything. Instead she had to kill herself, and I had to watch it, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t help her!”   
All three women knew that last option was better said than done. The newspapers had torn Helen to pieces, and in police questioning she’d aged and fallen to bits like a sandcastle in front of oncoming waves. If she could fall there, then how would she feel about a radio interview with people ringing up the studio, hurling all kinds of accusations and questions at her before her mind collapsed under the turmoil?   
Janet and Gill sat down on either side of Rachel, and hugged her as she rocked backwards and forwards on the stairs. Rachel looked up, tears falling from her eyes like rivers. “ I’d better go,” she gasped when she saw her hard worked facade crumble, and her work colleagues see the hell she’d been living under for the last few months collapse like a shattered mirror.   
“ No,” Gill and Janet said at the same time, and they both yanked Rachel down. But Rachel was panicking now, and she tore her hands free, and ran out of the house to her car. Janet and Gill followed behind, calling her name, but Rachel had jumped into her car, and drove away. Gill watched the young DC’s car drive off in shock. Rachel had broken down, she’d actually broken down. Gill didn’t know much about the subconscious mind, but she knew that occasionally it made you do things you didn’t intend to do, and Gill could see that though Rachel hadn’t wanted to come here she’d done so because of her subconscious. Whether she was aware of this or not Gill didn’t know and didn’t really care. What did matter to her at that point was the mental wellbeing of her DC, and Janet.  
Gill turned to see how Janet was taking all this, and she wasn’t surprised and yet pissed when she saw the tears fall down Janet’s own face. Janet looked like her world was collapsing on itself, and the sight made Gill angry. “ That’s it,” she whispered to herself, and she took Janet by the hand and she led her friend back to the house, away from the house of horrors. As she took Janet home, she ran through her mind what she was going to say to Rachel. One thing for sure, she wasn’t going do this in the office in front of everyone.   
She was going to do this tonight, whilst Rachel’s breakdown was still fresh. 

 

Her anger like a slow burning fire, Gill drove her car to Rachel’s flat. This was going to end tonight, she vowed, she was going to stop this from going on any longer. She pulled up in the driveway, and was pleased to see Rachel’s car parked outside, but she was surprised to find that Rachel hadn’t moved from her spot in the driving seat. Rachel was leaning forwards with her head in her hands, and angry as she was Gill felt sorry for her. She knelt down in front of Rachel.   
“ You okay, cock?” she said softly.  
Rachel sighed. “ I’ve been afraid, since Sean and Kevin, that I just screw people’s lives up. I’ve been saving them from myself.” Tears started running down her face as she looked up at Gill, ashamed. “ I went round to the Bevan house because I think I wanted to admit it to myself.”   
Gill sighed. “ I’m glad you see that now, because you haven’t been saving anyone. You’ve done the opposite. You’ve hurt them Rachel.” She knew she was being harsh, but she had to say it. “ When you left the first time, Janet sometimes looked like she hadn’t been sleeping. She sent you emails, and you didn’t reply.”  
“ We’d argued,” Rachel said, her voice a tired whisper.   
“ That’s besides the point. You could still have called her, and she wouldn’t have looked like she wanted to jump off a roof, or something,” Gill knew her voice was getting harsher, but she honestly needed to get this said. “ When you come back, you ignore her, you don’t say more than three nice words to her-  
“That’s not true!” Rachel protested, but Gill wasn’t in the mood to be polite or sympathetic to Rachel’s feelings.   
“ Shut up and listen for a change!” Stunned by the forcefulness of Gill’s voice, Rachel did as she was told, and she listened. “ Janet was hurt tonight, really hurt, when you left. She was crying Rachel, because you just upped and left.”  
Rachel swallowed. “ I hurt...Janet, again?” She sounded like a child, so unsure of the world.   
Gill nodded. 

 

“ Janet?” Janet looked up from the pillow at the sound of the familiar voice.   
Rachel. What was she doing in her house? It didn’t matter, she thought a second later, but Janet didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter when the door opened hesitantly, and Rachel stepped through. Janet was taken aback by how sheepish Rachel appeared, childish, but what caught her attention the most was the redness of Rachel’s eyes. She’d been crying. With her casual jeans and shirt and her short hair, Rachel looked quite childish. A smirk threatened to appear on Janet’s face as she compared her daughter to Rachel, god if she wasn’t sure she’d popped two babies out of her so long ago she would swear Taisie had an older sister by the name of Rachel. The resemblance was startling.   
Rachel looked at her sheepishly, and Janet quirked a brow. “ What is it?”   
“ I’m sorry Janet,” Rachel said. She sighed and explained, “ When I was suspended, and taken to that fucking cliff, I had time to think and I didn’t like what I saw myself as.”  
Janet frowned. What the hell was Rachel talking about? Fortunately Rachel opened her mouth to talk and Janet had the feeling her friend had been holding all this in for so long, “ I used you Janet. How many times have I come to you for help without saying a thank you? How many times have I come to you for help like a lifeboat on a sinking ship? I was tired of it, and even if we did make up how long would it be before I do it again?” She started crying, but she didn’t break down sobbing as she got what she wanted to say off her chest. “ What if I shag someone else in front of you, Elise, Taisie, or heaven’s forbid Dorothy? You know how much she already hates me.”  
Janet bit her lip. She could imagine Rachel had had a fight just to get into her bedroom. “ Rachel-” she tried to say, but she was interrupted.   
“ Why do you think I go home now afterwork, or go to my Alison’s?” Rachel bit her lip to hold back the tears and the urge to burst out crying. “ I can’t do it, Jan. You and my sister, you’re both right, my drinking habits have nearly destroyed my career, and its cost me so much already. It’s like a curse, and addiction.”  
“ No, it hasn’t,” Janet said.   
“ What about Nick Savage, Janet?” Rachel came back at her, knowing only irrefutable logic would win this. “ What about that charge I got for murdering him? I may have hated him for lying to me, but I would never in my right mind want him dead. What about Dom? No one can deny that, and you can’t either.” Rachel started crying and Janet tugged Rachel over, her motherly instinct in overdrive. Rachel resisted at first, but she allowed Janet to pull her over into her embrace. Janet sighed as Rachel cried on her shoulder.  
“ I’m sorry,” Rachel sobbed. “ I keep coming to you, and it was what I was hoping to avoid. I’d thought, by pushing you away, I wouldn’t keep hurting you.” Her crying broke Janet’s heart, but her mind was racing. Did Rachel really think pushing her away, to hold all this hurt in, would help her get over the hell she’d been through? No, it would’ve done the opposite. What Janet couldn’t fathom was Rachel’s thought processes on this, Rachel was a police officer, and she was trained to see abuse in people, who kept things locked up and blamed themselves for failures that weren’t even there. Looking at it, and listening to Rachel made Janet try and see things from Rachel’s perspective. She couldn’t deny that Rachel kept coming to her for help, that her brother was now in prison again, and she had a drinking problem, but she hadn’t expected Rachel to become so....broken by all this. Rachel was one of the strongest people she knew.   
“ Don’t be silly,” Janet chided. “ Rachel, I was angry with you for sleeping with Kevin,” she paused when she felt the flinch, but she carried on, “ but I was so terrified when it came through you’d been kidnapped by Helen, of all people.”  
“ You have every right to be angry,” Rachel whispered through a watering eyes. “ I love Elise and Taisie, and I didn’t want to hurt them, but I did so thoughtlessly. Taisie saw something I would never have shown her if I’d been sober, and I.....” she trailed off, Janet wiped away the tears with her fingers.   
“ I was as surprised by Helen kidnapping me,” Rachel looked up with red eyes. “ We’d both taken her to A&E, remember? She’d tried to top herself then, but we stopped it that time, but the second..... I saw it quickly, the amount of lager she swilled down like a drain, the way she spoke about the past. She just wanted to die, and I was the chauffeur to deliver her to the gate. Nothing I could say or do would’ve made a difference. Not even Louise, and that was because she was in a police station and Helen knew it. I didn’t say a word over the phone because I couldn’t trust myself to say a word. But do you know what the worst of it is?”  
Janet didn’t, and Rachel saw it on her face. “ When we got there she just cut herself, and when I managed to get out I tried to stop the bleeding. She stopped me, not that I did much good since the cuts went over her arms, and they were deep cuts. She looked at me, and,” Rachel sobbed, “ She just said ‘ Thank you for being here with me.’ Then she died. If I could’ve helped her...its’s my job, I joined the police to make a difference to the world. I have had scum put behind bars, and yet I couldn’t stop that. I watched....,” she said shakily before saying in a stronger voice. “ I watched as she died, as her life just gave out.”   
Rachel broke down crying harder, but Janet was there for her. She was a little disturbed by what Rachel had said.   
“ I don’t think she wanted to be saved.” Janet whispered, but Rachel heard her. It didn’t really make her feel better.   
The door opened softly, and Gill appeared with Elise and Taisie. Janet smiled at them, and she hugged her best friend harder.   
She’d gotten her friend back, but Rachel still had demons even worse than drink. 

 

The End.


End file.
